(영어/드라마/대본) 셜록 시즌 3 Sherlock season 3

[제   목] 셜록 Sherlock 시즌 3

[편   성] 영국 BBC One

[연   출] 수 버추, 베릴 버추

[작   가] 스티븐 모펫, 마크 게티스

[출   연] 베네딕트 컴버베치, 마틴 프리먼, 루퍼트 그레이브즈 등

에피소드 1 - 빈 영구차 The Empty Hearse

Sherlock-S3-E1.pdf

Sherlock 301 - The Empty Hearse.

Sherlock!
It’s a trick.
Just a magic trick.
No. All right, stop it now.
Now, stay exactly where you are.
Don’t move.
All right.
Keep your eyes fixed on me.
Please, would you do this for me?
Do what?
This phone call, it’s er...
...it’s my note.
It’s what people do, don’t they?
Leave a note.
Leave a note when?
Goodbye, John.
No. Don’t....
Sherlock!
[Moans]
John.
John, look at me. Look at me.
And sleep.
Right the way down, right the way deep, right the way, sound asleep. That’s real.
That’s good, with my voice just there in the centre of your head... ...and floating all the way around you.
And you will awaken in three, two, one...
...zero.
Let me come through please! He’s my friend.
Bollocks!
No, no, no, no, it’s obvious.
That’s how he did it. It’s obvious.
Derren Brown?! Let’s go, Sherlock’s dead.
But is he?
There was a body, it was him.
It was definitely him, Molly Hooper laid him out.
No, she’s lying.
It was Jim Moriarty’s body with a mask on.
A mask?
A bungee rope, a mask, Derren Brown.
Two years and the theories keep getting more stupid.
How many more have you got for me today?
Well, you know the paving slabs in that whole area...
...even the exact ones that he landed on...
...you know they were all—
Guilt!
That’s all this is.
You pushed us all into thinking.
That Sherlock that was a fraud, you and Donovan.
You did this and it killed him and he’s staying dead.
Do you honestly believe that if you have enough stupid theories... ...it’s going to change what really happened?
I believe in Sherlock Holmes.
Yeah, well, that won’t bring him back.
And that after extensive police investigations...

...Richard Brook did indeed prove to be the creation of James Moriarty— Amidst unprecedented scenes, there was uproar in court...
...as Sherlock Holmes was vindicated and cleared of all suspicion. Sadly, all this comes too late for the detective...

...who became something of a celebrity two years ago.
Questions are now being asked as to why police let matters get so far. Sherlock Holmes fell to his death...
...from the top of London’s Bart’s Hospital although he left no note... ...friends say it’s unlikely he was able to cope with the—
Well then. Absent friends.
Sherlock.
Sherlock.
And may God rest his soul.
[Helicopter Flies Over]
[Heavy Breathing]
[Man Speaks In Serbian]
[Men Shout In Serbian]
[Dogs Bark]
[Barking Gets Closer]
[Gunshots]
[Loud Music Through Headphones]
[Thump]
[Man Groans]
[Thumps Continue]
[Thumps And Shouting Continue]
[Man Groans]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Prisoner Whispers]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Prisoner Whispers]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Prisoner Whispers]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[door closes]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
[Speaks in Serbian]
Now listen to me.
There’s an underground terrorist network active in London...
...and a massive attack is imminent.
Sorry, but the holiday is over...
...Brother dear.
Back to Baker Street...
...Sherlock Holmes.
Penny for the guy?

You broke in here for a reason. Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep?

What?
Well? What did you say?
He said that I used to work in the navy... ...where I had an unhappy love affair. What?

That the electricity isn’t working in my bathroom...
...and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbor. the coffin maker...
...and...

...if I go home now...
...I’ll catch them at it.
I knew it!
I knew there was something going on.

So my friend.
Now it’s just you and me.
You have no idea the trouble it took to find you.

Oi, mate, penny for the guy? Penny for the guy, mate? Penny for the guy?
Penny for the guy?

Penny for the guy?
[Violin plays]
‘That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done.’
‘You invaded Afghanistan.’
[Door Opens]
[Watson Clears His Throat]
You have been busy, haven’t you?
Quite the busy little bee. Hmm.
Moriarty’s network. Took me two years to dismantle it.
And you’re confident you have?
The Serbian side was the last piece of the puzzle.
Yes. You got yourself in deep there with Baron Maupertuis. Quite a scheme.
Colossal.
Anyway. You’re safe now.
Mmm.
A small “thank you” wouldn’t go amiss.
What for?
For wading in.
In case you’ve forgotten, field work is not my natural milieu. “Wading in?”
You sat there and watched me being beaten a pulp.
I got you out.
No, I got me out.
Why didn’t you intervene sooner?
I couldn’t risk giving myself away, could I?
It would have ruined everything.
You were enjoying it.
Nonsense.
Definitely enjoying it.
Listen, do you have any idea what it was like, Sherlock... ...going undercover?
Smuggling my way into their ranks like that?
The noise the people!
I didn’t know you spoke Serbian.
I didn’t. But the language has a Slavic root.
Frequent Turkish and German loan words.
Took me a couple of hours.
Hmm, you’re slipping.
Middle-age, brother mine.
Comes to us all.
[Door Opens]
Oh, no, you don’t take it, do you?
No.
You forget a little thing like that.
Yes.
You forget lots of little things, it seems.
Uh-huh.
Not sure about that.
Hmm?
Ages you.
Just trying it out.
Well, it ages you.

Look—
I’m not your mother, I’ve no right to expect it—
No—
But just one phone call, John!
Just one phone call would have done.
I know.
After all we went through!
Yes.
I am sorry.
Look, I understand how difficult it was for you after...
...after—
I just let it slide Mrs. Hudson, I let it all slide.
And it just got harder and harder to pick up the phone, somehow. Do you know what I mean?
[Sighs]
I need you to give this matter your full attention, Sherlock...
...is that quite clear?
What do you think of this shirt?
Sherlock!
I will find your underground terror cell, Mycroft.
Just put me back in London.
I need to get to know the place again, breathe it in.
Feel every quiver of its beating heart.
One of our men died getting this information.
All the chatter, all the traffic concurs...
...there’s going to be terrorist strike on London, a big one.
And what about John Watson?
John?
Mm. Have you seen him?
Oh, yes...
...we meet up every Friday for fish and chips.
I’ve kept a weather eye on him, of course.
We haven’t been in touch at all to, prepare him.
No.
Well, we’ll have to get rid of that.
“We?”
He looks ancient.
I can’t be seen to be wandering around with an old man.
I couldn’t face letting it out.
[Coughs]
He never liked me dusting.
No, I know.
So why now? What hanged your mind?
Well, I’ve got some news.
Oh, God, is it serious?
What? No, no, I’m not ill.
I’ve, well, I’m...
...moving on.
You’re emigrating?
Nope. Er, no, I’ve er...
...I’ve met someone.
Oh! Ah, lovely.
Yeah. We’re getting married. Well, I’m going to ask, anyway.
So soon after Sherlock?
Hmm, well, yes.
What’s his name?
It’s a woman.

A woman?!
Yes, of course it’s a woman.
You really have moved on, haven’t you?
Mrs. Hudson, how many times?
Sherlock was not my boyfriend!
Live and let live, that’s my motto.
Listen to me, I am not gay!
[Sighs]
I think I’ll surprise John. He’ll be delighted.
You think so?
Mm, pop into Baker Street, who know, jump out of a cake.
Baker Street? He isn’t there anymore.
Why would he be? It’s been two years.
H;s got on with his life.
What life? I’ve been away.
Where’s he going to be tonight?
How would I know?
You always know.
He has a dinner reservation in the Marylebone Road.
Nice little spot.
They have a few bottles of the 2000 Saint-Emilion...
....though I prefer the 2001.
I think maybe I’ll just drop by.
You know, it is just possible that you won’t be welcome.
No, it isn’t.
Now, where is it?
Where’s what? You know what.
[Footsteps Approach]
Welcome back, Mr. Holmes.
Thank you.
Blud.
Sir, can I help you?
[Muffled Screams]
[Phone Beeps]
Your wife just texted you, possibly her contractions have started. Excuse me, sir.
Oh, sir, I am so, so sorry.
Er, please, let me just go to the kitchen and dry that off for you. Finished with that, sir? Allow me to take it for you.
Madam, can I suggest you look at this menu, it’s completely identical. [In A French Accent] Can I help you with anything, sir?
Hi, yeah, I’m looking for a bottle of champagne. A good one.
Hmm, well, there are all excellent vintages, sir.
Oh, it’s not really my area...
What do you suggest?
Well you cannot possibly go wrong...
...but if you’d like my personal...
...recommendation....
Hmm?
This last one on the list is a favourite of mine.
It is, you might in fact say, like a face from the past.
Great. I’ll have that one please.
It is familiar, but with the quality of surprise!
Well, surprise me.
I’m certainly endeavouring to, sir.
Sorry that took so long.
You okay?

Yeah, yeah. Me? Fine. I am fine.
[Chuckles]
Now then, what did you want to ask me?
More wine? No, I’m good with water, thanks. Right.
So?
Er, so...
...Mary...
...Listen um...
...I know it hasn’t been long...
...and I know we haven’t known each other for a long time—
Go on.
Yes, I will.
As you know, these last couple of years haven’t been easy for me. And meeting you...
...yeah, meeting you has been the best thing...
...that could have possible happened.
I agree.
What?
I agree, I’m the best thing that could have happened to you.
Sorry.
Well, no, it’s, um....
So...
...if you’ll have me, Mary, could you see your way, um....
[Watson Clears His Throat]
If you could see your way to—
Sir, I think you’ll find this vintage exceptionally to your liking.
It has all the qualities of the old, with the colour of the new.
No, sorry, not now, please.
Like a gaze from a crowd of strangers...
...suddenly one is aware of staring into the face of an old friend. No, look seriously, could you just...?
Interesting thing, a tuxedo.
Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters.
John?
John, what is it? What?
Well, the short version...
...not dead.
Bit mean springing it on you like that, I know.
Could have given you a heart attack, probably still will.
But in my defence, it was very funny.
Okay, it’s not a great defence.
Oh, no, you’re—
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God!
Not quite.
You died, you jumped off a roof.
No.
You’re dead.
No, I’m quite sure, I checked. Excuse me.
Does, does your rub off too?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!
Okay, John, I’m suddenly realizing I probably owe you...
...some sort of an apology—
All right, just, John, just keep—
[John Gasps]
Two years.

Two years! Hmm? I thought...
...I thought... ...you were dead. Hmm?

[John Gasps]
Now, you let me grieve. Hmm.
How could you do that?
How?!
Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um...
...one question, just let me ask one question.
Are you really going to keep that?
I calculated that there were 13 possibilities...
...once I’d invited Moriarty onto the roof.
I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible.
The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked van filled with washing bags. Impossible, the angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling— You know, for a genius, you can be remarkably thick.
What?
I don’t care how you faked it, Sherlock.
I want to know why.
Why? Because Moriarty had to be stopped.
Oh.
Why, as in...?
I see. Yes. Why?
That’s a little more difficult to explain.
I’ve got all night.
[Sherlock Clears Throat]
Actually, um, that was mostly Mycroft’s idea.
Oh, so it was your brother’s plan?
Oh, but he would have needed a confidante.
Mm-hm.
Sorry.
But he was the only one? The only one who knew?
A couple of others. It was a very elaborate plan, it had to be.
The next of the 13 possibilities was—
Who else?
Who else knew?
Who?!
Molly.
Molly?!
John—
Molly Hooper...
...and some of my homeless network and that’s all.
Okay.
Okay.
So just your brother, molly Hooper and 100 tramps.
Ha, ha, no! 25 at most.
[Glass Shatters]
Seriously, it’s not a joke? You’re really keeping this?
Er, yeah.
Sure?
Mary likes it.
Hmm, no, she doesn’t.
She does.
She doesn’t.
Oh, don’t.

Oh, brilliant!
Look, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...
...I didn’t, I didn’t know how to tell you—
Right, no, no, this is charming. I’ve really missed this!
One word, Sherlock, that is all I would have needed!
One word to let me know that you were alive!
I’ve nearly been in contact so many times, but—
[John Scoffs]
I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
What?
Well, you know, let the cat out of the bag.
So this is my fault!
Oh, God!
Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong?!
The only one reacting like a human being!
Over-reacting.
Over-reacting!
John!
Over-reacting! So you’ve fake your own death and you waltz in here...
...large as bloody life!
Shh.
But I’m not meant to have a problem with it...
...’cos Sherlock Holmes thinks it’s a perfectly okay thing to do!
Shut up! I don’t want everyone knowing I’m still alive!
Oh, so it’s still s secret, is it?!
Yes, it’s still a secret!
Promise you won’t tell anyone?
Swear to God!!
London is in danger, John. There’s an imminent terrorist attack and I need your help. My help?
You have missed this, admit it.
The thrill of the chase, the blood pumping through your veins...
...just the two of us against the rest of the world.
I don’t understand, I said I’m sorry...
...isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?
Gosh, you don’t know anything about human nature, do you?
Hmm, nature? No.
Human? No.
I’ll talk him round.
You will?
Oh, yeah.
Mary.
Can you believe his nerve?
I like him.
What?
I like him.
[Metallic Sound]
Those things will kill you.
Oh, you bastard!
It’s time to come back.
You’ve been letting things slide, Graham.
Greg.
Greg.
Very common belief, with an anit terrorism bill—
[Thudding]
...the Government feels duty-bound...
...to push through the legislation with all due exped—

[Thudding Continues]
[Yells]
Now, stay exactly where you are.
Where are you?
Don’t move.
Keep your eyes fixed on me.
What? What’s happening? What’s going on?
Please, will you do this for me? Please.
Do what?
This phone call...
...its’ my note.
That’s what people do, don’t they?
Leave a note.
[Moriarty Giggles]
Leave a note when?
Goodbye, John.
No.
[Moriarty Laughs]
Sherlock!
Oh, ho!
What?! Are you out of your mind?!
I don’t see why not.
It’s just as plausible as some of your theories.
Look, if you’re not going to take it seriously, Laura—
I do take it seriously.
I don’t think we should wear hats.
I founded ‘The Empty Hearse’ so like-minded people could meet... ...discuss theories!
Sherlock’s still out there.
I’m convinced of it.
Oh, my God!
[Mobile phones Ring]
Oh, my, God!
His movements were so silent...
...so furtive he reminded me...
...of a trained bloodhound picking out a scent.
You what?
I couldn’t help thinking what an amazing criminal he’d make...
...if he turned his talents against the law.
Don’t read that.
Famous blog, finally.
Come on, that’s—
Ancient history, yes, I know, but it’s not though, is it, because he’s— What are you doing?
Having a wash.
You’re shaving it off.
Well, you hate it.
Sherlock hates it.
Apparently everyone hates it.
Oh!
Are you going to see him again?
No, I’m going to work.
Oh, and after work, are you going to see him again?
No.
God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me...
...and then his nibs turns up—
I don’t shave for Sherlock Holmes.

Oh. You should put that on a T-shirt. Shut up.
Or what?
Or I’ll marry you.

London, it’s like a great cesspool into which all kinds...
...of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained.
Sometimes it’s not a question of who, it’s a question of who knows?
If this man cancels his papers, I need to know.
If this woman leaves London Without putting her dog into kennels...
...I need to know.
I have certain people, they are markers.
If they start to move, I’ll know something’s up.
Like rats deserting a sinking ship.
All very interesting, Sherlock...
...but the terror alert has been raised to critical.
Boring. Your move.
We have solid information, an attack is coming.
Solid information, a secret terrorist organization is planning an attack...
...that’s what secret terrorist organization do, isn’t it?
It’s their version of golf.
An agent gave his life to tell us that.
Oh, well, perhaps he shouldn’t have done. He was obviously just trying to show off. None of these ‘markers’ of yours is behaving in any way suspiciously?
Your move.
No, Mycroft, but you have to trust me. I’ll find the answer.
But it’ll be in an odd phrase in an on-line blog...
...or an unexpected trip to the countryside...
...or a misplaced lonely hearts add.
Your move!
I’ve given the Prime Minister my personal assurance you’re on the case.
I am on the case, we both are, look at us right now.
[Buzzer Sounds]
Oh, bugger!
Whoopsy!
Can’t handle a broken heart. How very telling.
Don’t be smart.
That takes me back.
“Don’t be smart, Sherlock, I’m the smart one.”
I am the smart one.
I used to think I was an idiot.
Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock.
We had nothing else to go on, until we me other children.
Oh, yes, that was a mistake.
Ghastly. What were they thinking of?
Probably something about trying to make friends.
Oh, yes. Friends.
Of course, you go in for that sort of thing now.
And you don’t? Ever?
If you seem slow to me, Sherlock...
...can you imagine what real people are like?
I’m living in a world of goldfish.
Yes, but I’ve been away for two years.
So?
Oh, I don’t know...
...I thought perhaps you might have found yourself a...
...goldfish.
Change the subject, now.

Rest assured, Mycroft...
...whatever this underground network of your is up to...
...the secret will reside in something seemingly insignificant or bizarre.
Ooh-ooh.
Speaking of which.
I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it!
Him sitting in his chair again.
Oh, isn’t it wonderful, Mr. Holmes?
I can barely contain myself!
Oh, he really can, you know.
He’s secretly pleased to see you, underneath all that.
Sorry, which of us?
Both of you.
Let’s play something different.
Why are we playing games?!
London’s terror alert has been raised to critical...
...I’m just passing the time.
Let’s do deductions.
Client left this while I was out, what do you reckon?
I’m busy.
Oh, go on, it’s been an age.
[Sniffs]
I always win.
Which is why you can’t resist.
I find nothing irresistible in the hat of a well-travelled anxious...
...sentimental, unfit creature of habit with appalling halitosis.
Damn.
Isolated too, don’t you think?
Why would he be isolated?
“He?”
Obviously.
Why? Size of the hat?
Don’t be silly. Some women have large heads too.
No, he’s recently had his hair cut...
...you can see the little hairs adhering to the perspiration stains on the inside.
Some women have short hair too.
Balance of probability.
Not that you’ve ever spoken to a woman with short hair or, you know, a woman.
Stains show he’s out of condition. He’s sentimental cos the hat...
...has been repaired, three, four—
Five times very neatly.
The cost of the repairs exceeds that of the hat, he’s mawkishly attached to it. But it’s More than that. One or two patches would indicate sentimentality. But five, five’s obsessive behavior. Obsessive compulsive.
Hardly.. your client left it behind.
What sort of an obsessive compulsive would do that?
The earlier patches are extensively sun bleached...
...so he’s worn it abroad, in Peru.
Peru?
This is a chullo.
The classic headgear of Andes, it’s made of alpaca.
No.
No?
Icelandic sheep wool. Similar, but very distinctive...
...if you know what you’re looking for. I’ve written a blog on the varying...
...tensile strengths of different natural fibres.
I’m sure there’s a crying need for that.

You said he was anxious?
The bobble on the left side has been badly chewed...
...which shows he’s a man of nervous disposition, but—
But also a creature of habit...
...because he hasn’t chewed the bobble on the right.
Precisely.
Sniff of the offending bobble tells us all we need to know about state of his breath. Brilliant!
Elementary.
But you’ve missed his isolation.
I don’t see it.
Plain as day.
Where?
There for all to see.
Tell me.
Plain as the nose on your—
Tell me!
Well, anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this...
..isn’t in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?
Not at all. Maybe he just doesn’t mind being different.
He doesn’t necessarily have to be isolated.
Exactly.
I’m sorry?
He’s different, so what? Why would you mind?
You’re quite right.
Why would anyone mind?
I am not lonely, Sherlock.
How would you know?
Yes. Back to work, if you don’t mind. Good morning.
[Chuckles]
Right, back to work.
[Knocking On The Door]
Mr. Summerson.
Right.
Undescended testicle.
Right.
[Phone Beeps]
Sherlock?
Hmm?
Talk to John.
I’ve tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
Just relax, Mr. Summerson.
What did he say?
F—
Cough.
Oh, dear.
[Intercom Buzzes]
Hi?
Ah, Mrs. Reeves. Thrush.
Right.
You wanted to see me?
Yes, Molly.
Yes?
Would you...
Would you like to—
Have dinner?
Solve crimes?

Um....
Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, Mrs. Reeves.
It’s very common, but I’m recommending a course of—
Monkey glands, but enough but Professor Presbury.
Tell us more about your case, Mr. Harcourt.
You sure about this?
Absolutely.
Should I be making notes?
If it makes you feel better.
But that’s what John says he does.
So if I’m being John—
You’re not being John, you’re being yourself.
Well, absolutely no one should have been able to empty...
...what bank account other than myself and Helen.
Why didn’t you assume it was your wife?
Because I’ve always had total faith in her.
No, it’s because you emptied it. Weight-loss, hair dye, Botox, affair. Lawyer. Next!
This is Mr. Blake. Piles.
Mr. Blake, hi.
And your pen-pal’s emails just stopped, did they?
[Whines]
And you really thought he was the one, didn’t you?
The love of your life?
[Cries]
Stepfather posing as on-line boyfriend.
What?
Breaks it off, breaks her heart.
She swears off relationships, stays at home.
He still has her wage coming in.
Mr. Windibank, you have been a complete and utter—
Piss pot.
It’s nothing to worry about, just a small infection, by the sound of it. Ah, Dr. Verner is your usual GP, yes?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked after me man and boy.
I run a little shop just on the corner of Church Street.
Oh.
Magazines and DVDs.
I’ve brought along a few little beauties that might interest you... ...Tree worshippers. Oh that’s a corker. It’s very saucy.
And British Birds. Same sort of thing.
I’m fine thanks.
The Holy Aar.
Sounds a bit dry, I know...
...but there’s a nun with all these holes in her habit—
Jesus! Sherlock.
What?
What do you want?
Uh?
Have you come to torment me?
What are you talking about?
What are you talking...?
What, do you think I’m going to be fooled by this bloody beard?! You’re crazy! No, no, no, no, no.
It’s not as good as your French! Not as good as your French.
It’s not even a good disguise, Sherlock
Where did you get it from, a bloody joke shop...?!

Oh, my God!
I, I am so sorry.
Oh, my God!
Please—
It’s fine.
[Clears His Throat]
This one’s got us all baffled.
Hmm, I don’t doubt it.
[Sniffs]
[Sniffs]
What is it?
You’re onto something, aren’t you?
Hmm, maybe.
‘Show off!’
Shut up, John.
What?
Hmm?
Nothing.
Hello.
Hmm.
You sure?
I’m sure.
Okay.
I’m late for cath.
I’ll see you later.
Bye. Bye.
This going to be your new arrangement, is it?
Just giving it a go.
Right.
So, John?
Not really in the picture any more.
[Rumbling Noise]
Trains?
Trains.
Male, 40 to 50. Oh, sorry, did you want to be...?
Er, no, please, be my guest.
‘You jealous?’
Shut up!
It doesn’t make sense.
What doesn’t?
This skeleton, it can’t be more than...
...Six months old.
Six months old.
Wow!
“How I Did It, by Jack the Ripper.”
Uh-huh.
That’s impossible.
Welcome to my world.
‘Smart arse!’
I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining it to you.
No, please, insult away.
‘You forget to put your collar up.’
The, the corpse is, is six months old.
It’s dressed in a shoddy Victorian outfit from a museum.
It’s been displayed on a dummy for many years...
...in a case facing south-east, judging from the fading of the fabric. It was sold off in a fire damage sale a week ago.

So the whole thing was a fake? Yes.
Looked so promising.
Facile.

Why would someone go to all that trouble? Why indeed, John?
“Mind the gap. Mind the gap.”
Oh. Thanks for hanging onto it.

No problem.
So, what’s this all about, Mr. Shilcott?
My girlfriend’s a big fan of yours.
Girlfriend?!
Sorry. Do go on.
I like trains.
Yes...?
I work on the Tube, on the District Line, and part of my job...
...is to wipe the security footage after it’s been cleared.
I was just whizzing through and I found something a bit bizarre.
Now, this was a week ago.
The last train on the Friday night, Westminster Station.
Now, this man gets into the last car.
Car?
They’re cars, not carriages.
It’s a legacy of the early American involvement in the Tube system.
He said he liked trains.
And the next stop, St. James’ park Station.
And....
I thought you’d like it.
He gets into the last car at Westminster. The only passenger.
And the car is empty at St. James’ Park.
Explain that, Mr. Holmes.
Couldn’t he have just jumped off?
There’s a safety mechanism that prevents the doors...
...from opening in transit. But there’s something else...
...the driver of that train hasn’t been to work since.
According to his flatmate, he’s on holiday. Come into some money.
Bought off?
Hmm?
So the driver of the train was in on it...
...then the passenger did get off.
There’s nowhere he could go. It’s a straight run on the District Lin between the two stations. There’s no side tunnels, no maintenance tunnels.
Nothing on any map. Nothing.
Train never stops and a man vanishes.
Good, innit?
I know that face.
[John Clears Throat]
Excuse you!
The journey between those stations usually takes five minutes...
...and that one took ten. Ten minutes to get from Westminster to St. James’ Park.
I’m goin to need maps, lots of maps. Older maps, all the maps.
Right.
Fancy some chips? What?
I know a fantastic fish shop just off the Marylebone Road...
....the owner always give me extra portions.
Did you get him off a murder charge?
No, I helped him put up some shelves.

Sherlock? Hmm?

What was today about? Saying thank you.
For what?
For everything you did for me. It’s ok. It’s my pleasure.

No. I mean it.
I don’t mean pleasure, I mean I didn’t mind.
I wanted to—
Moriarty slipped up, he made a mistake.
Because the one person he thought didn’t matter at all to me... ...was the one person that matter at the most.
You made it all possible.
But you can’t do this again, can you?
I’ve had a lovely day. I’d love to, I just, um—
Hmm, congratulations, by the way.
He’s not from work.
We met through friends, old-fashioned way.
He’s nice, we’ve got a dog, we, we go to the pub on weekends... ...and I’ve met his mum and dad and his friends and all his family. I’ve no idea why I’m telling you any of this—
I hope you’ll be very happy, Molly Hooper.
You deserve it.
After all, not all the men you fall for can turn out to be sociopaths. No?
No.
Maybe it’s just my type.
[Coughs]
[Phone Beeps]
Oh, Mrs. Hudson, sorry, I think someone’s got John.
John Watson?
Hang on, who are you?!
Oh, I’m his fiancée.
Oh.
Mary?
What’s wrong?
Someone sent me this.
At first I thought it was just a Bible thing...
...you know, spam, but it’s not.
It’s a skip code.
First word, then every third.
Save John Watson.
Now!
Where are we going?
St. James the Less, it’s a church. 20 minutes by car.
Did you drive here?
Er. Yes.
It’s too slow, it’s too slow.
[Car Horn Honks]
Watch out! What are we waiting for?!
This.
[Brakes Squeal]
What does it mean?
What are they going to do to him?
I don’t know.

[Voice In The Background] [Gasps]
Damn!
Oi! Oi! You can’t go down there! [Muffled Scream]

[Gasps]
[Gags]
[Horn Honks]
No, it’s not going to work, with that. I’ll get something to help it along. Yeah.

Help! Argh!
[Muffled Screams]
He doesn’t like it, Daddy.
Huh?
Guy Fawkes, he doesn’t like it.
Stay back, Zoe. Back!
Now.
[Screams]
What does it mean?
Oh, my God!
[Cheering]
Help!
[Screams]
Stand back!
[Groans]
Move! Move! Move!
Move!
John!
John!
John! John!
Get up, John!
John! John!
Help!
John!
John! John!
John.
Hey, John.
Which wasn’t the way I’d put it at all. Silly woman.
Anyway, it was then that I first noticed it was missing.
I said, ‘Have you checked down the back of the sofa?’
He’s always losing things down the back o the sofa, aren’t you, dear? Afraid so.
Oh, keys, small change, sweeties.
Especially his glasses.
Glasses.
Blooming things. I said, ‘why don’t you get a chain...
...wear them round your neck?’
He says, ‘What, like Larry Grayson!’
Larry Grayson.
So did you find it eventually, your lottery ticket?
Well, yes, thank goodness.
We caught the coach on time after all.
We managed to see St. Paul’s, the Tower...
...but they weren’t letting anyone into Parliament.
Some big debate going on.
[Door Opens]

John?
Sorry, you’re busy.
No, no, no. they were just leaving.
No, oh, were we?
Yes.
No, no, if you’ve got a case—
No, not a case. No, no, no.
Yeah, go.
We’re here till Saturday, remember.
Yes, wonderful. Just get out!
Well, give us a ring.
Very nice, yes, good. Get out!
I can’t tell you how glad we are, Sherlock.
All that time people thinking the worst.
We’re just so pleased it’s all over.
Ring up more often, won’t you?
Mm-hm.
She worries.
Promise?
Promise.
Oh, for God—
[Sighs]
Sorry about that.
No, it fine.
Clients?
Just my parents.
Your parents?
In town for few days.
You parents?
Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Mis. Tried to talk me into doing it.
Those were your parents?
Yes.
Well...
...that is not what I—
What?
I mean, they’re just so...
...ordinary.
It’s a cross I have to bear.
Did they know too?
Hmm?
That you spent the last two years playing hide and seek? Maybe.
Ah, so that’s why they weren’t at the funeral!
Sorry, sorry again.
Hmm.
Sorry.
So you’ve shaved it off then?
Yeah. Wasn’t working for me.
Yeah, I’m glad.
You didn’t like it?
No, I prefer my doctors clean-shaven.
That’s not a sentence you hear every day.
Ahh.
How are you feeling?
Yeah, not bad. Bit smoked.
Right.

Last night, who did that?
And why did they target me?
I don’t know.
Is it someone trying to get to you through me?
Is it something to do with this terrorist thing you talked about?
I don’t know, I can’t see the pattern. It’s too nebulous.
Why would an agent give his life to tell us something incredibly insignificant? That’s what’s strange.
Give his life?
According to Mycroft.
There’s an underground network planning an attack on London, that’s all we know. [Sniffs]
These are my rats, John.
Rats?
My markers, agents, lowlifes. People who might find themselves...
...arrested or their diplomatic immunity suddenly rescinded.
If one of them starts acting suspiciously, we know something’s up.
Five of them are behaving perfectly normally, but the sixth—
I know him, don’t I?
Lord Moran, peer of the Realm. Minister of Overseas Development.
Pillar of the Establishment.
Yes.
He’s been working for North Korea since 1996.
What?
He’s the bit rat, rat number one.
He’s just done something very suspicious indeed.
Yeah, that’s odd.
There’s nowhere he could have got off?
Not according to the maps.
Hmm.
There’s something, something, something I’m missing.
Something staring me in the face.
[Phone Beeps]
Any idea who they are, this underground network?
Intelligence must have a list of the most obvious ones.
Our rat’s just come out of his den.
AI-Qaeda? The IRA have been getting restless again...
...maybe they’re going to make an appearance—
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
I’ve been an idiot, a blind idiot!
What?
Oh, that’s good. That could be brilliant!
What are you on about?
Mycroft’s intelligence is not nebulous at all...
...it’s specific, incredibly specific.
What do you mean?
Not an underground network, John, it’s an Underground network!
Right.
What?
Sometimes a deception is so audacious, so outrageous...
...that you can’t see it even when it’s staring you in the face. Look...
...seven carriages leave Westminster.
Mm.
And only six carriages arrive at St. James’ Park.
Ah, but that’s, I mean, it’s impossible.
Moran didn’t disappear. The entire tube compartment did.
The driver must have diverted the train and then detached the last carriage.

Detached it where? You said there was nothing between those stations.
Not on the maps, but once you eliminate the other factors...
....the remaining thing must be the truth. That carriage vanished, so it must be somewhere. But why, though?
Why detach it in the first place?
Vanishes between St. James’ Park and Westminster.
Lord Moran vanishes.
You’re kidnapped and nearly burnt to death at a fireworks party.
What’s the date, John, today’s date?
Hmm? November th—
My God!
Lord Moran, he’s a peer of the Realm.
Normally he’d sit in the House.
Tonight, there’s an all-night sitting to vote on the new anti-terrorism bill.
But he won’t be there, not tonight.
Not the 5th November.
‘Remember, remember...’
‘Gunpowder, treason and plot!’
There’s nothing down there, Mr. Holmes, I told you.
No sidings, no ghost stations.
There has to be, check again.
This whole area is a big mess of old and new stuff.
Charing Cross is made up of bits of older stations...
...like Trafalgar Square, Strand.
No, it’s none of those, we’ve accounted for those.
St. Margaret Street, Bridge Street, Sumatra Road, Parliament Street—
Hang on, hang on, Sumatra Road?
You mentioned Sumatra Road, Mr. Holmes? There is something...
...I knew it rang a bell! Yes.
There was a station down there.
Well, why isn’t it on the maps?
Cos it was closed before it ever opened.
What?
They built the platforms, even the staircases, but it all got tied up...
...in legal disputes and so they never built the station on the surface.
It’s right underneath the Palace of Westminster.
So what’s down there, a bomb?
Oh.
With many commentators saying...
...the vote on the Terrorism Bill will be too close to call...
...Mps are now making their way into the Chamber for what...
...the Government is calling ‘the most important vote of the Parliament.’
Over now to our—
What freedoms exactly are we protecting...
...if we start spying on our own people?
This is an Orwellian measure on a scale unprecedented—
There’s a bomb, then? The tube carriage is carrying a bomb.
Must be.
Right.
What are you doing?
I’m calling the police.
What? No!
Sherlock, this isn’t a game, they need to evacuate Parliament.
They’ll get in the way, they always do. This is cleaner, more efficient.
And illegal?
A bit.
What are you doing?

Coming.
I don’t understand.
Well, that’s a first.
There’s nowhere else it could be.
[Screaming]
Oh!
What?
Hang on, Sherlock?
What?
That’s , isn’t it live?
Perfectly safe as long as we avoid touching the rails.
Course, yeah, avoid the rails. Great!
This way.
You sure?
Sure.
Ha!
Look at that.
John....
Hmm?
Demolition charges.
Hooo.
It’s empty. There’s nothing.
Isn’t there?
This is the bomb.
What?
It’s not carrying explosives, the whole compartment is the bomb. [Gasps]
We need bomb disposal.
There may not be time for that now.
So what do we do?
I have no idea.
Well, think of something.
Why do you think I know what to do?
Because you’re Sherlock Holmes you’re as clever as it gets.
I doesn’t mean I know how to diffuse a giant bomb!
What about you?!
I wasn’t in bomb disposal, I’m a bloody doctor!
And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all!
Can’t, can’t we rip the timer off, or something?
That would set it off.
You see, you know things!
[Sighs]
[Beeping]
Oh!
Er....
My God!
Er....
[Gasps]
Why didn’t you call the police?!
Can you just—
Why do you never call the police?!
Well, it’s no use now.
So you can’t switch the bomb off?!
You can’t switch the bomb off and you didn’t call the police!
Go, John. Go now!
There’s no point now, is there, because there’s not enough time... ...to get away and if we don’t do this, other people will die!

[Sighs]
Mind palace!
Hmm?
Use your mind palace!
How will that help?
You’ve salted away every fact under the sun!
And you think I’ve just got ‘How to defuse a bomb’ tucked away in there somewhere?! Yes!
Maybe.
Think.
Think, please think.
Think!
I can’t!
Oh, my God!
This is it.
Um, er....
[Breathes Heavily]
Oh, my God!
Turn that off. Oh, God!
Er, um, er—
I’m sorry.
What?
I can’t, I can’t do it, John.
I don’t know how.
Forgive me.
What?!
Please, John, forgive me...
...for all the hurt that I caused you.
No, no, no, no, no, no, this is a trick.
No.
Another one of your bloody tricks.
No.
You’re just trying to make me say something nice.
Ha.
Not this time.
It’s just to make you look good even though you’ve behaved like—
I wanted you not to be dead.
Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.
If I hadn’t come back, you wouldn’t be standing there and...
...you’d still have a future, with Mary.
Yeah, I know.
Look, I find it difficult. I find it difficult, this sort of stuff.
I know.
You were the best and the wisest man that I have ever known.
Yes, of course I forgive you.
The criminal network Moriarty headed was vast.
Its roots were everywhere, like a cancer, so we came up with a plan.
Mycroft fed Moriarty information about me.
Moriarty, in turn, gave us hints...
...just hints as to the extent of his web.
We let him go, because it was important to let him believe...
...he had the upper hand.
And then, I sat back and watched Moriarty.
Destroy my reputation, bit by bit.
I had to make him believe he’d beaten me...
...utterly defeated me, and then he’d show his hand.
There were 13 likely scenarios once we were up on that roof.

Each of them were rigorously worked out and given a code name. It wasn’t just my reputation that Moriarty needed to bury.
I had to die.
Sherlock!

You can have me arrested, you can torture me...
...you can do anything you like with me...
...but nothing’s going to prevent them from pulling the trigger.
Your only three friends in the world will die, unless—
Unless I kill myself and complete your story.
You’ve got to admit that’s sexier.
But the one thing I didn’t anticipate was just how far...
...Moriarty was prepared to go. I suppose that was obvious...
...given our first meeting at the swimming pool.
His death wish.
Argh!
[Gunshot]
I knew I didn’t have long.
I contacted my brother, set the wheels in motion.
And then everyone get to work.
It’s a trick.
It’s just a magic trick.
All right, stop it now.
Now, stay exactly where you are.
Don’t’ move!
All right.
Keep your eyes fixed on me.
Please, will you do this for me?
It was vital that John stayed just where I’d put him...
...and that way his view was blocked by the ambulance station. Sherlock!
I needed to hit the air-bag...
...which I did.
Speed was paramount.
The air-bag needed to be got out of the way...
...just as john Cleared the station.
But we needed him to see a body.
That’s where Molly came in.
Like figures on a weather clock, we went one way, John went the other. Then, our will-time cyclist...
...put John briefly out of action...
...giving me time to switch places with the corpse on the pavement. The rest was just window dressing.
And one final touch, a squash ball under the armpit.
Apply enough pressure and it momentarily cuts off the pulse.
Let me come through, please!
It’s all right—
No, he’s my friend.
It’s all right.
No, he’s my friend.
It’s all right, it’s all right—
He’s my friend, please.
Everything was anticipated, every eventuality allowed for.
It worked perfectly.
Molly. Molly Hooper? She was in on it?
Yes, you remember the little girl who was abducted by Moriarty? [Screams]
Get out!

You assumed she reacted like that because I was her kidnapper.
But I deduced Moriarty must have found someone who looked...
...very like me to plant suspicion, and that, that man, whoever he was... ...had to be got out of the way as soon as his usefulness ended.
That meant there was a corpse in the morgue somewhere...
...that looked just like me.
Clever.
Molly found the body, faked the records.
And I provided the other coat.
I’ve got lots of coats.
And what about the sniper aiming at John?
Mycroft’s men intervened before he could take the shot.
He was invited to reconsider.
[Telephone Rings]
Is it done?
Good.
And your homeless network?
As I explained, the whole street was closed off.
Like a scene from a play.
Neat, don’t you think?
Hmm.
What?
Not the way I’d have done it.
Oh, really?
No, I’m saying it’s not clever, but....
What?
Bit, disappointed.
Oh. Everyone’s a critic. Anyway, that’s not why I came.
No?
No, I think you know why I’m here, Phillip.
‘How I Did It, by Jack the Ripper?’
Didn’t you think it was intriguing?
Lurid. A case so sensational you hoped I’d be interested.
But you overdid it, Phillip. You and your little fan-club.
I just couldn’t live with myself, knowing that I’d drive you to—
But you didn’t. You were always right, I wasn’t dead.
No. No, and everything’s okay now, isn’t it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course you’ve wasted police time.
Perverted the course of justice.
Risked distracting me from a massive terrorist assault that could have... ...both destroyed Parliament and caused the death of hundreds of people. Oh, God! Oh, God, I’m sorry, Sherlock!
I’m so sorry.
[Cries]
Hang on.
That doesn’t make sense.
How could you be sure John would stand on that exact spot?
I mean, what if he’d moved?
And, how did you do it all so quickly?
What if the bike hadn’t hit him?
And anyway, why are you telling me this?
[Chuckles]
If you’d pulled that off, I’m the last person you’d tell the truth to!
Sherlock Holmes!
[Giggles]

You—
Oh, your face!
Utter—
Your face!
You!
Totally had you!
You cock!
I knew it! I knew it! You—
Oh, those things you said, such sweet things.
I never knew you cared. I will, I’ll kill you if you ever breathe a word of this— Scout’s honour.
To anyone! You knew!
Ahhh.
You knew how to turn it off!
There’s an off switch.
What—
There’s always an off switch.
Terrorists can get into all sorts of problems...
...unless there’s off switch.
So why did you let me go through all that?!
I didn’t lie altogether.
I’ve absolutely no idea how to turn any of these silly little lights off.
[Giggles]
[Noise From Walkie Talkies]
And you did call the police?
Of course I called the police.
I’m definitely going to kill you!
Oh, please. Killing me, that’s so two years ago.
[Laughs]
[Gun Cocks]
[Music ‘Do You Hear The People Sing’ from Les Miserables]
Sherlock, please, I beg of you.
You can take over at the interval.
Oh, I’m sorry, brother dear, but you made a promise.
Nothing I can do to help.
But you don’t understand the pain of it, the horror.
Come on, you’ll have to go down, they want the story.
In a minute.
I’m really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?
Well, we thought May.
Ah, a spring wedding.
Yeah.
Well, once we’ve actually got engaged.
Yeah.
We were interrupted last time.
Yeah.
Well, I can’t wait.
You will be there, Sherlock?
Weddings, not really my thing.
Hello, everyone.
Hello, Molly.
This is Tom. Tom, this is everyone.
Hi.
Hi.
It’s really nice to meet you all.
Hi.
Wow! Yeah, hi, I’m John, good to meet you.

Ready? Ready. Champagne? Yes.

Thanks.
Thank you.
Sit down, love.
Oh, thanks.
So um...
...is it serious, you two?
Yeah. I’ve moved on.
Did you...?
I’m not saying a word.
No, best not.
But I’m still waiting.
Hmm?
Why did they try and kill me?
If they knew you were onto them, why come after me?
Put me in a bonfire?
I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing.
Unlike the nicely embellished fictions on your blog, John... ...real life is rarely so neat.
I don’t know who was behind all this, but I will find out...
...I promise you.
Don’t pretend you’re not enjoying this.
Hmm?
Being back. Being a hero again.
Oh, don’t be stupid.
You’d have to be an idiot not to see it.
You love it.
Love what?
Being Sherlock Holmes.
I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.
Sherlock, you are going to tell me how you did it?
How you jumped off that building and survived?
You know my methods, John, I am known to be indestructible. No, but seriously.
When you were dead, I went to your grave.
I should hope so.
I made a little speech.
I actually spoke to you.
I know. I was there.
I asked you for one more miracle.
I asked you to stop being dead.
I heard you.
Anyway, time to go and be Sherlock Holmes.
[Camera Snap]
John!
John!
John!
John!

John!

에피소드 2 - 세 사람 The Sign of Three

Sherlock-S3-E2.pdf

Sherlock 302 - The Sign Of Three

They just walked out of there!
Yeah, I know, I was sort of sitting next to you.
The whole Water family. They just walked right out of there! Again, I was in the room.
How do they always manage that?!
They’re good.
They’re greedy and they’ll do it again...
...and next time we’re going to catch them in the act.
How?
No good?
They always know we’re coming. How do they always know?! They’re good, they work at it.
They’re never going to stop.
Well, neither are we.
Argh!
Argh!
Argh! Aargh! Argh! Argh!
Oh!
Greg—
In the act!
It’s the only way we’re going to do this, in the act!
They’re still blocking it?
Yeah. Very efficiently hacked.
They must be bloody pleased with themselves.
It must be.
Right then?
Ah, no! You’ve got to make the arrest. This one’s yours, boss. You’ve never called me boss before.
Oh, well, look what happens when you’re good.
You know how most days aren’t good days?
This is a good day.
Not for the Waters family.
[Phone Beeps]
Okay, then men on the roof, all exits covered.
The bank’s closed, so we’re no hostages to worry about. [Phone Beeps]
Sorry, no. Go on, go on.
Um, we’ve got the tunnel entrance covered...
...and Davies, Willow and Christie...
...are heading up armed response on Mafeking Road. [Phone Beeps]
Sorry, I’d better get this.
It’s him isn’t it?
I, I, I, I have to go.
What?!
You make the arrest.
No way!
Sorry, you’ll be fine. I’m, I’m, I’m cool with this.
Jones will get all the credit if you leave now, you know he will. Yeah, well, yeah, it doesn’t matter, I have to go.
Back up! I need maximum back up!
Baker Street now!
What’s going on?
This is hard.
What?

Really hard. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Do you know any funny stories about John? What?!
[Siren Wails]

I need anecdotes. Didn’t you go to any trouble, did you? [Violin Plays]
Shut up, Mrs. Hudson.
I haven’t said a word.

You’re formulating a question...
...it’s physically painful watching you think.
I thought it was you playing.
It was me playing.
I am composing.
You were dancing.
I was road-testing.
You what?
Why are you here?
I’m bringing you your morning tea. You’re not usually awake.
You bring me tea in the morning?
Where do you think it came from?
I don’t know. I thought it sort of happened.
Your mother has a lot to answer for.
Hmm, I know. I have a list.
Mycroft has a file.
So, it’s the big day then.
What big day?
The wedding! John and Mary getting married.
Two people who currently live together are about to attend church... ...have a party, go on a short holiday, then carry on living together. What’s big about that?
It changes people, marriage.
Hmm, no it doesn’t.
Well, you wouldn’t understand, cos you always live alone.
Your husband was executed for double murder.
You’re hardly an advert for companionship.
Marriage changes you as a person in ways that you can’t imagine. As does lethal injection.
My best friend, Margaret, she was my chief bridesmaid...
...we were going to be best friends forever, we always said that... ...but I hardly saw her after that.
Aren’t there usually biscuits?
I’ve run out.
Have the shop.
She cried the whole day, saying, ‘Ooh, it’s the end of an era.’
I’m sure the shop on the corner is open.
She was probably right, really. I remember she left early.
I mean, who leaves a wedding early? So sad.
Hmm. Anyway, you’ve got things to do.
No, not really. I’ve got plenty of time to—
Biscuits!
Oh! I really am going to have a word with your mother.
You can if you like, she understands very little.
[Sighs]
Right then.
Into battle.
Congratulations!
Okay, hold it there, I want to get this shot of the newlyweds.

Er, just the bride and groom, please. Sherlock—
Oh, sorry.
Okay, three, two, one, cheese.

The famous Mr. Holmes. I’m very pleased to meet you. But no sex, okay?
Sorry?
You don’t have to look so scared, I’m only messing. Bridesmaid, best man, it’s a bit traditional.

Is it?
But no obligatory.
If that’s the sort of thing you’re looking for, the man over there is blue is your best bet.
Recently divorced doctor with a ginger cat—
A burn conversion and a history of erectile dysfunction.
Reviewing that information, possibly not your best bet.
Yeah, maybe not.
Sorry, there was one more deduction there than I was expecting.
Mr. Holmes, you’re going to be incredibly useful.
Hello. Lovely to meet you.
How are you?
Beautiful, Mary.
Thank you..
Congratulations.
Oh! David!
Ah, ah, Mary. Congratulations, you look, um, very nice.
Thanks.
John, congratulations. You’re a lucky man.
Thank you.
Um, David, this is Sherlock.
Hmm.
Um, yeah, we’ve um, we’ve met.
So, what exactly are my duties as an usher?
Let’s talk about Mary first.
Sorry, what?
Well, I think you know that. You went out with her for two years.
Er, ages ago. We’re, we’re just good friends now.
Is that a fact?
Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes, regardless of time or current location... ...suggesting you have her on text alert. In your Facebook photographs of the happy couple... ...Mary takes centre frame, whereas John is always party or entirely excluded.
Well, you can’t assume from that I’ve still got some kind of interest in Mary—
You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on no less than three separate occasions.
Do you have anything to say in your defence?
I think from now on, we’ll downgrade you to casual acquaintance.
No more than three planned social encounters a year...
...and always in John’s presence.
I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.
They’re right about you. You’re a bloody psychopath.
High functioning sociopath, with your number.
Um....
Hello. Darling. Thank you.
You look fabulous. Thank you.
Thanks for coming, thank you.
Er, yes, well done in the service, Archie.
He’s really come out of his shell. I don’t know how you did it.
Um—
Basically it’s a cute smile to the bride’s side...

...cute smile to the groom’s side and then the rings. No.
And you have to wear the outfit.
No.

You really do have to wear the outfit. What for?
Grown-ups like that sort of thing. Why?

I don’t know, I’ll ask one. You’re a detective.
Yep.
Have you solved any murders? Sure, loads.

Can I see?
Yeah, all right.
What’s all the stuff in his eye?
Maggots. Cool!
Hmm.
He said you had some pictures for him, as a treat?
Er, yes, if he’s good.
Beheadings. Lovely little village.
Hmm? What did you say?
Hold it.
Nice.
I’m starving. Thanks.
I had to lose so much weight to get into this dress.
Hmm, he’s nice.
Trace of two leading brands of deodorant, both advertised for their strength... ...suggestive of a chronic body odour problem, manifesting under stress. Okay, done there. What about his friend?
Long-term relationship, compulsive cheat.
Seriously?
Waterproof cover on his smart-phone.
Yet his complexion doesn’t indicate outdoor work.
It suggests he’s in the habit of taking his phone into the shower with him... ...which means he often receives texts and emails he’d rather went unseen. Can I keep you?
Do you like solving crimes?
Do you have a vacancy?
So, Harry?
Er, no. No show.
Darling, I’m so sorry.
Yeah, it was a bit of a punt asking her, I suppose.
Still, free bar wouldn’t have been a good mix.
Oh. God, wow!
Is that...?
He came.
So that’s him, Major Sholto.
Uh-huh.
Such good friends, why does he barely even mention him?
He mentions him all the time to me, never shuts up about him.
About him?
Mm-hmm.
Urgh! I chose this wine, it’s bloody awful!
Yes, but it’s definitely him that he talks about?
Mm-hmm.
I’m very, very, glad to see you, sir.

I know you don’t really do this sort of thing. Well, I do for old friends, Watson.
John.
It’s good to see you.

You too.
Civilian life suiting you, then?
Er, er, yes. Well, I think so sir.
No more need for the trick cyclist?
No, er, I go now and then. Sort of a top-up.
Therapy can be very helpful.
Where are you living these days?
Oh, way out in the middle of nowhere. You wouldn’t know it.
You look well—
I’ve never even heard him say his name.
Well, he’s almost a recluse, you know, since—
Yes.
I didn’t think he’d show up at all.
John says he’s the most unsociable man he’s ever met.
He is? He’s the most unsociable?
Hmm.
Ah, that’s why he’s bouncing around him like a puppy.
Oh, Sherlock!
Neither of us were the first, you know. Stop smiling.
It’s my wedding day!
Urgh!
[Phone Rings]
Yes? What, Sherlock?
Why are you out of breath?
Filing.
Either I’ve caught you in a compromising position or you’ve been working our again. I favour the latter. What do you want?
I need your answer, Mycroft, as a matter of urgency.
Answer?
Even at the eleventh hour, it’s not too late, you know.
Oh, Lord!
Cars can be ordered, private jets commandeered.
Today. It’s today, isn’t it?
No, Sherlock, I will not be coming to the night-do...
...as you so poetically put it.
What a shame. Mary and John will be extremely d—
Delighted not to have me hanging around.
Oh, I don’t know.
There should always be a spectre at the feast.
So, this is it, then? The big day.
I suppose I’ll be seeing a lot more of you from now on.
What do you mean?
Just like old times.
No, I don’t understand.
Well it’s the end of a era, isn’t it?
John and Mary, domestic bliss.
No, no, no. I prefer to think of it as the beginning of a new chapter.
What?
Nothing.
I know that silence. What?
Well, I’d better let you get back to it.
Do you have a big speech or something, don’t you?
What? Cakes, karaoke, mingling.

Mycroft! This is what people do, Sherlock. They get married. I warned you, don’t get involved.
Involved? I’m not involved.
No....

John asked me to be his best man, how could I say no? Absolutely.
I’m not involved.
I believe you. Really, I do.

Have a lovely day and do give the happy couple my best. I will.
Oh, by the way, Sherlock, do you remember Redbeard? I’m not a child anymore, Mycroft.

No, of course you’re not.
Enjoy not getting involved, Sherlock.
Pray silence for the best man.
[Cheers]
Ladies and gentlemen...
...family and friends...
...and...
...um, others.
Er....
[Clears throat]
A, a, also....
Greg—
Molly.
I’ve just had a thought.
Is that a brain?
What if John asks Sherlock to be his best man?
Well, he will won’t he? He’s bound to.
Exactly.
So?
So, he’ll have to make a speech, in front of people.
There’ll be actual people there, actually listening.
Well, what the worst that could happen?
Helen-Louise probably wondered the same.
Helen-Louise?
[Phone Rings]
Oh, hello dear.
I was just thinking, if John does ask Sherlock—
What, the speech, dear? No, it’ll be fine.
It’s, it’s not just the speech, though, is it?
[Laughs]
Oh, brilliant!
Mrs. Hudson?
Hello, darling.
Are you all right?
I was, I was coming to see Sherlock and I thought you were— No.
Possibly dying.
Oh, sorry,
What’s wrong?
The telegrams!
Sorry, what?
Oh, sorry.
[Laughs]
Telegrams!
Right, um.

First things first, telegrams.
Well, they’re not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams. I don’t know why. Wedding tradition.
Because we don’t have enough of that already, apparently.
‘To Mr. and Mrs. Watson...
...so sorry I am unable to be with you on your special day.
Good luck and best wishes, Mike Stanford.’
Aah.
Aw.
‘To John and Mary, all good wishes for your special day...
...with love and many big...
...big squishy cuddles from Stella and Ted.’
‘Mary, lots of love—
Yeah?
‘Poppet. Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from Cam.’
‘Wish your family could have seen this.
Um...’Special day’ ‘very special day’...
...’Love’ ‘Love’ ‘Love’ ‘Love’ ‘Love’...
Bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People are basically fond.
John Watson.
My friend, John Watson.
John.
When john first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused. Sherlock?
What was that noise downstairs?
Oh, it was Mrs. Hudson laughing.
Hmm, it sounded like she was torturing an owl.
Yeah, well, it was laughter.
Could have been both.
Busy?
Oh, just occupying myself. Sometimes it’s so hard not smoking.
Mind if I interrupt?
Oh, be my guest.
Tea?
Er....
So, er, the big question.
Mm-hmm?
The best man.
The best man?
What do you think?
Billy Kincaid.
Sorry, what?
Billy Kincaid, the Camden Garrotter, best man I ever knew.
Vast contributions to charity, never disclosed.
Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure...
...and ran the best and safest children’s homes in north England.
Yes, every now and again there’s be some garrotings...
...but stacking up the lives saved against the garrotings...
...on balance I’d say he—
For my wedding.
For me, I need a best man.
Oh, right.
Maybe not a garrotter.
Gavin?
Who?
Gavin Lestrade? He’s a man and good at it.
It’s Greg. And he’s not my best friend.

Oh, Mike Stanford, I see.
Well, he’s nice. Um though I’m not sure how well he’d cope with all—
No, Mike’s great but he’s not my best friend.
Look, Sherlock, this is the biggest and most important day of my life—
Well—
No, it is. It is.
And I want to be up there with the two people...
...that I love and care about most in the world.
Yes.
So Mary Morstan—
Yes.
And...
...you.
I confess at first I didn’t realize he was asking me.
When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised.
I explained to him that I’d never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it. Sherlock....
I nonetheless promised I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was for me...
...as demanding and difficult as any I had every contemplated.
Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was...
...in some ways, very close to being moved by it.
No, it’s getting a bit scary now.
It later transpired that I’d said none of this out loud.
[Laughs]
So, in fact...
...you, you mean—
Yes.
I’m your...
...best friend?
Man.
Yeah, of course you are.
Of course, you’re my best friend.
How was that?
Surprisingly okay.
So you’ll have to make a speech, of course.
[Clears Throat]
Done that. Done that.
Done that bit, done that bit.
Done that bit. Hmm.
I’m afraid, John, I can’t congratulate you.
All emotions, and in particular love...
...stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things.
A wedding is, in my considered opinion...
...nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational...
...and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world.
Today we honour the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society...
...and in time, one feels certain, our entire species.
But anyway, let’s talk about John.
Please.
If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures...
...this is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own...
...that he has overlooked in his obsession with me.
Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth...
...from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.
It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel. And contrast is, after all...
...God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation.

Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy.
Designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
The point I’m trying to make is that I am...
...the most unpleasant, rude...
...ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole...
...that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet.
I am dismissive of the virtuous...
...unaware of the beautiful...
...and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.
So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man...
...it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend.
And certainly not the best friend...
...of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being...
...I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.
John, I am a ridiculous man.
Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship.
But, as I am apparently your best friend...
...I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion.
Actually, now I can.
Mary, when I say you deserve this man...
...it is the highest compliment of which I am capable.
John, you have endured war and injury and tragic loss...
...so sorry again about that last one, so know this, today you sit between... ...the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved.
In short, the two people who love you most in all this world.
And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say...
...we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that. [Cries]
[Whispers] If I try and hug him, stop me.
Certainly not.
Ah, yea. Now onto some funny stories about John.
What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John?
Oh, Sherlock!
Did I do it wrong?
No, you didn’t. Come here.
[Cheers]
I haven’t finished yet.
Yeah, I know, I know.
So on to some funny stories now—
Can you wait till I sit down?
So, onto some funny stories about John.
You could all just cheer up a bit, that would be better.
On we go.
So for funny stories, one has to look no further than John’s blog.
The record of our time together.
Of course, he does tend to romanticise things a bit...
...but then, you know, he’s a romantic.
We’ve tackled some strange cases.
The Hollow Client.
The poison Giant.
Get down, John!
We’ve had some frustration cases.
What is that?
Surrounded by 1,812 matchboxes...
...all empty except this one.
And what’s in that one?
Inexplicable.

Touching cases.
She’s going to ring the doorbell.
Oh, no. she’s changed her mind.
Oh, she’s going to do it. No, she’s leaving.
She’s leaving. Oh, she’s coming back.
She’s a client, she’s boring. I’ve seen those symptoms before.
Hmm?
Oscillation o the pavement always means there’s a love affair.
And of course I have to mention the elephant in the room.
[Elephant Horns]
But we want something...
...very particular for this special day, don’t we?
The bloody Guardsman.
Need to work on your half of the church, Mary, looking a bit thin.
Oh, orphan’s lot Friends, that’s all I have, lots of friends.
Schedule the organ music to begin at precisely 11:48—
But the rehearsals’ not for another two weeks, just calm down.
Calm? I am clam. I’m extremely calm.
Let’s get back to the reception, come on.
John’s cousin, top table?
Hmm, hates you. Can’t ever bear to think about you.
Seriously? Second class post, cheap card.
Bought at a petrol station. Look at the stamp three attempts at licking... ...she’d obviously unconsciously retaining saliva.
Ah, let’s stick her by the bogs.
Oh, yes.
Who else hates me?
Oh, great, thanks.
‘Priceless painting nicked.’ Looks interesting.
Table four—
Done.
‘My husband is three people.’
Table five—
Major James Sholto, who he?
John’s old commanding officer. I don’t think he’s coming.
He’ll be there.
Well, he need to RSVP, then.
He’ll be there.
Oh.
‘My husband is three people.’ It’s interesting.
It says he has three distinct patterns of moles on his skin.
Identical triplets, one in half a million births. Solved it without leaving the flat. Now, serviettes, swan or Sydney Opera House?
Where did you learn that?
Many skills are requited in the field...
...of criminal investigation—
Fibbing, Sherlock.
I once broke an alibi by demonstrating...
...the exact severity of a fold—
I’m not John, I can tell when you’re fibbing.
Okay, I learnt it on YouTube.
Opera House, please.
Oh, hang on, I’m buzzing.
Hello?
Oh, hi Beth.
Yeah, yeah, I don’t see why not.
Actually, if that’s Beth it’s probably for me too, hang on.

He knows we don’t have a friend called Beth, he’s going got figure out that it’s code. He’s YouTubing serviettes.
He’s thorough.
He’s terrified.

Of course he’s not.
You know when you’re scared of something you start wishing it sooner, just to get it all going. That’s what his doing.
Why would he be scared that we’re getting married?
It’s not going to change anything, we’ll still do stuff.
You need to prove it to him. I told you to find him a new case.
I’m trying.
But you need to run him, okay? Show him it’s still the good old days.
That just sort of happened.
Sherlock, um, mate...
...I have...
...I’ve smelled 19 different perfumes...
...I’ve sampled nine different slices of cake, which all tasted identical.
I like the bridesmaids in purple—
Lilac.
Lilac.
Um, there are no more decisions left to make.
I don’t even understand the decisions that we have made.
I’m faking opinions, and it’s exhausting.
So, please, before she comes back, pick something.
Anything. Pick one.
Pick what?
A case. Your inbox is bursting.
Just, get me out of here.
You want to go out on a case? Now?
Please. Sherlock, for me.
Don’t you worry about a thing, I’ll get you out of this.
Oh.
‘Dear Mr. Holmes, my name is Bainbridge.
I’m a Private in Her Majesty’s Household Guard.
I’m writing to you about a personal matter.
One I don’t care to bring before my superiors...
...it would sound so trivial.
But I think someone’s stalking me.
I’m used to tourists, it’s part of the job...
...but this is different.
Someone’s watching me.
He’s taking pictures of me every day.
I don’t want to mention it to the Major, but it’s really preying on my mind.’
Uniform fetishist? All the nice girls like a soldier.
It’s ‘sailor’. And Bainbridge thinks his stalker is a bloke.
Let’s go and investigate. Please.
Elite guard. 40 enlisted men and officers.
Why this particular Grenadier? Curious.
Now you’re talking.
Okay.
Bye!
Er, we’re just going to, I need, um, Sherlock to help me...
..choose some er, Ties.
Socks.
Why don’t we go with socks?
Yeah.
I mean, go get the right ones.

Exactly, to go with my— Tie.
Outfit.
That’ll take a while, right? Is my coat in there?

Yes.
I’m just going to take him out for a bit. Run him.
I know. You said you’d find him a case.
Hmm.
Coming, Sherlock?
Coming!
Taxi!
Company halt!
Right turn!
We’re here to see Private Stephen Bainbridge.
He’s on duty right now sir.
But I’ll certainly let him know when he’s free.
And when will that be?
Another hour.
Do you think they give them classes?
Classes?
How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds.
Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system.
Bum-itch.
Oh.
So why don’t you see him anymore?
Who?
Your previous commander, Sholto.
Previous commander?
I meant ex.
‘Previous’ suggests that I currently have a commander.
Which you don’t.
Which I don’t.
Course you don’t.
He was decorated, wasn’t he? A war hero?
Not to everyone.
[Clears throat]
He led a team of crows into battle.
Crows?
A new recruits. It’s standard procedure, break the new boys in.
But it went wrong.
They all died, he was the only survivor.
The press and families gave him hell, he gets more death threats than you. Oh, I wouldn’t count on that.
And why have you suddenly taken an interest in another human being?
I’m chatting.
I won’t be trying that again.
Changing the subject completely...
...you know it won’t alter anything, right, me and Mary getting married? We’ll still be doing all this.
Oh, good. If you were worried.
I wasn’t worried.
Hmm.
The thing about Mary...
...she has completely turned my life around.
Changed everything.
But, for the record...

...over the last few years there are two people who have done that... ...and the other one is...
...a complete dickhead.
Can I ask what this is in connection with?

Private Bainbridge contacted us about a personal matter, sir. Nothing’s personal when it concerns my troops.
What do you really want?
I’m here on a legitimate enquiry.

Are you press? Digging for some bloody Royal story or something? No, sir, I’m Captain John Watson...
...Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers.
Retired.

You could be a used-car salesman now, for all I know. Bainbridge?
Gentle man here to see you.
Bainbridge!

I know you, don’t I?
Hmm?
I’ve seen you in the papers.
You hang around with that detective...
...the one with the silly hat.
What the hell does Bainbridge want with a detective?
I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say.
You’re not at liberty to say? He’s a soldier in my regiment.
I’ll be damned if he’s going to get up to cloak-and-dagger nonsense like this. Sir! Sir! What’s going on? It’s Bainbridge, sir.
He’s dead.
My God!
Ah! No, let me take a look, sir, I’m a doctor.
What?
Sergeant, arrest this man!
What? No, no! I’m a doctor!
Oh, you’re a doctor now too? Sergeant.
Let me examine him, please!
Sir, caught this one snooping around.
Is that what this is all about?
Distracting me, so that this man could get in here...
...and kill Bainbridge?
Don’t be kill him with what? Where’s the weapon?
What?
Where’s the weapon? Go on, search me, no weapon.
Bainbridge was on parade, he came off duty five minutes ago.
When’s this supposed to have happened?
You obviously stabbed him before he got into the shower.
No.
No?!
He’s soaking wet and there’s shampoo in his hair he got into the shower... ...then someone stabbed him.
The cubicle was locked from the inside sir. I had to break it open.
You must have climbed over the top. But then I’d be soaking wet too, wouldn’t I? Major, please! I’m John Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers...
...three years in Afghanistan, a veteran of Kandahar, Helmand...
...and Bart’s bloody Hospital!
Let me examine this body!
Thank you.
Suicide?
No. the weapon again, no knife.

Now, there is a wound to the abdomen. Incredibly fine.
Man stabbed to death, no murder weapon. Door locked from the inside.

Only one way in or out of here. Sherlock—
Hmm?
He’s still breathing.

Oh, my God!
What do we do?
Give me your scarf.
What?
Quickly, now! Call an ambulance!
What? Call an ambulance, now!
Do it!
Nurse, press here, hard.
Nurse?
Yeah, I’m making do.
Keep pressure on that wound.
Stephen? Stephen, stay with me.
Private Bainbridge had just come off guard duty.
He’d stood there for hours, plenty of people watching...
...nothing apparently wrong.
He came off duty and within minutes was nearly dead...
...from a wound in his stomach...
...but there was no weapon.
Where did it go?
Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to consider this...
...a murderer who can walk through walls...
...a weapon that can vanish. But in all of this...
...there is only one element which can be said to be truly remarkable. Would anyone like to make a guess?
Come on, come on...
...there is actually an element of Q&A to all of this.
[Clears Throat]
Scotland Yard, have you got a theory?
Yeah, yeah, you’re a detective, broadly speaking. Got a theory?
Er, um, if the, er...
...if, if the blade was propelled through the, erm...
...grating in the air vent...
...maybe a ballista or, or a catapult, um...
...somebody tiny could crawl in there.
So, yeah, we’re looking for a, a, a dwarf.
Brilliant.
Really?
No.
Next?
[Whispering] He stabbed himself.
Hello, who was that?
Tom?
Got a theory?
Attempted suicide, with a blade made of compacted blood and bone. Broke after piercing his abdomen...
...like a meat...
..dagger.
A meat dagger?
Yes.

[Whispering] Sit down.
No.
There was one feature, and only one feature, of interest...
...in the whole o this baffling case...
...and quite frankly it was the usual, John Watson.
Who, while I was trying to solve a murder, instead saved a life.
There was mysteries worth solving...
...and stories worth telling.
The best and bravest man I know...
...and, on top of that, he actually knows how to do stuff.
[Chuckles]
Except wedding planning and serviettes, he’s rubbish at those.
Hmm.
The case itself remains...
...the most ingenious and brilliantly planned murder, or attempted murder... ...I’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter.
The most perfect locked-room mystery of which I am aware.
However, I’m not just here to praise John...
...I’m also here to embarrass him, so let’s move on to—
No, wait so, how, how was it done?
How was that doen?
The stabbing?
I’m afraid I don’t know.
I didn’t solve that one.
It can happen sometimes, it’s very, very disappointing.
Embarrassment leads me on to the stag night.
Of course there’s hours of material here...
...but I’ve cut it down to the really good bits.
Murder scenes?
Locations of murders?
Hmm, pub crawl, themed.
Yeah, but why can’t you just do Underground stations?
It lacks the personal touch. We’re going to go for a drink in every—
In every street where you’ve found a corpse. Delightful!
Where do I come in?
Don’t want to get ill. That would ruin it, spoil the mood.
You’re a graduate chemist, can’t you just work it out?
I lack the practical experience.
Meaning you think I like a drink?
Occasionally.
That I’m a drunk.
No, no!
You look, well.
I am.
How’s...
...Tom?
Not a sociopath.
Still? Good.
And we’re having quite a lot of sex.
Okay. I want you to calculate John’s ideal intake, and mine...
...to remain in the sweet spot for the whole evening.
Light, headed, good.
Urinating in wardrobes, bad.
Hmm.
Two, erm...beers, please.
Pints?
443.7 millilitres.

Ah.
[Clears Throat]
What, are we on a schedule?
You’ll thank me.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Over there.
What?
Toilets, any second now you’re going to need— Hang on, tell me after. I need the loo.
Hmm, on schedule.
Eh?
Nothing. Go!
How long?
Sorry?
Your visit.
Estimate approximate volume discharge—
Stop talking now.
Oh, quick, one more. He mustn’t see.
Here you go. Cheers.
I know ash! Don’t tell me I don’t!
All right, enough! That’s—
Stand up.
Ash. I know ash.
I have an international reputation.
Do you have an international reputation?
Mm, no, I don’t have an international reputation. No.
And I can’t even remember what for.
It’s, crime, something or other.
Oh, what are you doing back?
I thought you were going to be up late.
Ah, Hudders. What time is it?
You’ve only been out two hours.
Am I a vegetable?
You or the, thing...?
Pffrrrt!
Funny!
Thank you.
Come on.
No, you’re not a vegetable.
It’s your go.
Erm...
...am I human?
Sometimes.
Can’t have sometimes.
It has to be um—
Yes, you’re human.
Yes, I know, okay. And am I a man?
Yep.
Tall?
Not as tall as people think.
Hmm. Nice?
Ish.
Clever?
I would say so.
You would.

Hmm, am I important?
To some people?
Do people like me?
Erm, no they don’t.
You tend to rub them up the wrong way. Okay.

Am I the current King of England? We—
[Chuckles]
You know we don’t have a King. Don’t we?

No.
Your go.
I don’t mind. Am I a woman?
[Chuckles]
What?
Yes.
Am I, pretty?
This?
A beauty is construct based entirely on childhood impressions... ...influences and role models.
Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?
I don’t know who you are, I don’t know who you’re supposed to be. You picked the name!
Yeah, but I picked it at random from the papers.
You’re not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock? So I am human, I’m not as tall as people think I am. I’m...
...I’m nice-ish, clever...
...important to some people.
But I tend to rub them up the wrong way.
[Chuckles]
Got it.
Go on, then.
I’m you, aren’t I?
[Chuckles]
Woo-hoo!
[Knock On Door]
Client!
Hello.
Hello.
Come on.
Which one of you is Sherlock Holmes?
I don’t, a lot.
I mean, I don’t date all that much.
And he seemed nice, you know?
We seemed to automatically connect.
We had one night...
...dinner, such interesting conversation.
It was lovely.
To be honest...
...I’d love to have gone further...
...but I thought, no, this is special...
...let’s take it slowly.
Exchanged numbers...
...he said he’d get in touch and then—
Maybe he wasn’t quite as keen as I was...
...but I just thought...

...at least he’d call to say that we were finished. I went round there...
...to his flat, no trace of him.
Mr. Holmes, I honestly think...

...I had dinner with a ghost. Mr. Holmes?
With a ghost, Mr. Holmes! Boring, boring, boring. No... ...fascinating.

John. John! Wake up.
I apologise about my, you know, him.
Rude. Rude!
I checked with the landlord...
...and the man who lived there died.
Heart attack.
And there we are having dinner one week on.
And I found this thing online...
...a sort of chatroom thing...
...for girls who think they’re dating men from the spirit world. Don’t worry, I’ll find him in ten minutes.
What’s your dog’s name?
Yeah, I’m there if you want it—
John, wake up.
Went to, yeah.
The game is, something.
No?
Yeah, that, that.
Okay.
Oh, it’s nice.
Nice place.
See anything?
Hmm?
Any clues, Mr. Holmes?
Oh, errrm....
I’m just going to whip this out.
Hmm?
You all right?
Yeah, he’s clueing.
What?
He’s—. Hmm? He’s cluing for looks.
Mr. Holmes?
Mr. Holmes!
I’m calling the police.
Oh, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, look, this is a famous detective...
...it’s Sherlock Holmes and his partner, John Hamish Watson. What do you think you’re doing?
Don’t compromise...
...the integrity of the—
Crime scene.
Yeah, that.
Wakey-wakey!
Oh, my God.
Greg, is that Greg?
Get up. I’m going to put you two in a taxi.
I managed to square things with the desk sergeant.

Ha, ha! What a couple of lightweights...
...you couldn’t even make it to closing time!
-Can you whisper?
-Not really!
Come on.
Well, thanks for a...
...you know, an evening.
It was awful.
Yep, I was going to pretend, but...
...it was, truly.
That woman, Tessa...
...what?
Dated a ghost, most interesting case for months.
What a wasted opportunity!
Okay.
How are you feeling?
Hmm.
It’s just like old times, having you back here.
I thought I’d make your favourite, one last time.
Oh. Don’t sound so final about it...
...I will be visiting, you know.
Ooh, I’ve heard that one before!
No, it’s different now, though, isn’t it?
It’s different to when we thought we’d lost him.
Well, marriage changes everything, John.
Does it?
Yeah. You might not think it, but it does.
Hmm.
It’s different phase in your life.
You meet new people...
...cos you’re a couple...
...and then you just let your old friends slip away.
It won’t be like that.
Well, if you’ve found the right one...
...the person that you click with, it’s the best thing in the world.
Well, I have. I know I have.
Oh, I’m sure.
She’s lovely.
Yeah, I think so. What about you?
Me?
Did you think you’d found the right one when you married Mr. Hudson? No. it was just a whirlwind thing for us.
I knew it wouldn’t work, but I just got sort of swept along.
Right.
And then we moved to Florida.
We had a fantastic time...
...but of course I didn’t know what he was up to.
[Whispers] Drugs.
Drugs?!
He was running, erm...
...oh God, what do you call it?
Erm, a...
...cartel.
And got it with a really bad crowd.
Right.
And then I found out about all the other women.
I didn’t have a clue.

So, when he was actually arrested for blowing someone’s head off... ...it was quite a relief, to be honest.
Oh.
It was purely physical between me and Frank.

We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I know, there was one night—
Who was that?
Is that Sherlock?

Is it?
Oh, Sherlock.
Urgh.
There are going to be others.
Others? Victims, Women.
Most ghosts tend to haunt a single house.
This ghost, however, is willing to commute. Look.
Hmm....
Not you. Not you.
Not, you. Not you. Not you. Not you.
Not you. Not you.
Not you.
Not you. Not you.
Hmm....
Not you.
Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you.
Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you.
Not you, you, you, or you, or you.
Or not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you.
Not you.
Hi.
Gail.
Charlotte.
Robyn.
Vicky.
How did you meet?
Came up to me in a pub.
Same gym as me.
We just got chatting on the bus.
Online.
Name?
Told you.
His name.
Oscar.
Mike.
Terry.
Erm, Love Monkey.
Your place?
[All Of Them] His place.
Address?
[Saying Address]
Nothing happened.
It was just, very romantic.
Four women in four nights. He must have something special. He was very charming.
He listened.
He was sweet.
He had a lovely—
You okay?

You’ve let your food go cold. Mrs. Hudson will play hell. Not now, John.
Sorry about that.
He had a lovely manner.

Different names, different addresses. Describe him.
Short blonde hair.
Dark hair. Long.

Ginger. I like gingers.
Couldn’t tell.
He had a mask on.
He’s stealing the identity of corpses...
...getting their names from the obituary columns. All single men.

He’s using the dead man’s flat...
...under the assumption it will be empty for a while. Free love nest.
I feel sick.
It’s gruesome.
That’s awful.
Clever—
Bastard!
[Alert Rings]
Hello, Tessa.
Meanwhile, back to business.
No-one wants to use a dead man’s home.
At least not until it’s been cleared.
So, he disguises himself.
Steals the man’s home, steals his identity.
But only for one night. Then he’s gone.
He’s not a ghost, John. He’s a Mayfly.
He lives for a day.
So, what was it he was looking for?
Job?
Gardener.
Cook.
Private nurse.
I do security work.
Maid.
Obvious. You all work for the same person.
No, no, not the same employer. Damn!
Come on, we can do this.
Ideal night out?
Clay-pigeon shooting.
Line dancing.
Pictures.
Wine in front of the telly.
Dungeon.
Make-up?
Clarins.
No 7.
Maybelline.
Nothing special.
Whatever’s cheap.
Perfume?
Chanel.
Chanel.

Chanel.
Chanel.
Estee Lauder.
Ideal man?
George Clooney.
Oh...!
Home-loving.
He’d have to like cuddling. Caring.

Ten things.
One, someone who isn’t competitive with other men.
Two, someone who isn’t constantly...
...trying to define himself by his masculinity—
There’s a unifying factor...
...there has to be.
None of you reported anything stolen.
Security guard, gardener, cook, maid, private nurse.
He’s romancing his way up a pecking order.
Somebody’s pecking order. Come on, think. Unless—
Do you have a secret you’ve never told anyone?
No.
Gotcha!
What do you mean?
Everyone has secrets and they all replied too quickly.
Got to go.
See you.
No, wait!
Bye-bye.
Wait!
Sorry, sexy, some secrets have to stay secret.
Enjoy the wedding.
Why? Why would he date all of those women and not return their calls?
You’re missing the obvious, mate.
Am I?
He’s a man.
But why would he change his identity?
Maybe he’s married.
Oh....
Married.
Obvious, really.
Our Mayfly Man was trying to escape...
...the suffocating chains of domesticity...
...and instead of endless nights in watching the telly...
...or going to barbecues with the awful, dreadful, boring people he couldn’t stand... ...he used his wits, cleverness and powers of disguise to play the field. He was— On second thoughts...
...I probably should have told you about the elephant in the room.
However, it does help to further illustrate...
...how invaluable John is to me.
I can read a crime scene the way he can understand a human being.
I used to think that’s what made me special, quite frankly I still do.
But a word to the wise...
...should any of you require the services of either of us...
...I will solve your murder...
...but it takes John Watson to save your life.
Trust me on that, I should know...
...he’d saved mine so many times and in so many ways.

This blog is the story of two men...
...and their, frankly, ridiculous adventures...
...of murder, mystery and mayhem.
But from now on, there’s a new story.
A bigger adventure.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...pray, charge your glasses and be upstanding. Today begin the adventures.
Of Mary Elizabeth Watson...
...and John Hamish Watson.
The two reasons why every single one of us is— What did you say?
You said...
...’John Hamish Watson.’
You said that. You said ‘Hamish.’
This is a famous detective, it’s Sherlock Holmes... ...and his partner, John Hamish Watson.
How did you know?
How did you know his middle name?
Never tells anyone, he hates it.
John ‘H’ Watson?
Yep.
Henry?
Shut up.
Humphrey?
Shut up.
[Shower Runs]
Higgins?
Go away!
It took him years to confide in me.
Oh....
That’s my birth certificate.
Yep.
And the woman, she knew.
Hamish.
[Clears Throat]
John Hamish Watson...
...just if you were looking for baby names.
God knows where she is.
Out of my head, I am busy!
There’s only one time that name’s been made public. Does it have to be on the invitation?
It’s your name.
It’s traditional—
It’s funny.’
“Enjoy the wedding...”
Enjoy the wedding.
The wedding. You knew about the wedding.
More importantly, you’d seen a wedding invitation. Now barely 100 people had seen that invitation.
The Mayfly Man only saw five women.
For one person to be in both groups...
...could be a coincidence.
Oh, Sherlock!
What do we say about coincidences?
The universe is rarely so lazy.
So, the balance of probability is?

Someone went to great lengths...
...to find out something about this wedding.
What great lengths?
They lied. Assumed false identities.
Which suggests?
Criminal intent.
Alss suggests?
Intelligence, planning.
Clearly. But more importantly?
The Mayfly Man.
The Mayfly Man is...
...here today!
[Shampain Glass Smashes]
Ooh, sorry. I—
[Clears Throat]
Another glass, sir?
Thank you, yes, thank you. Yes.
Something’s going to happen, right here.
Now, where were we?
Could be any second.
You have control of the room.
Ah, yes.
Raising glasses and standing up. Very good. Thank you. Don’t lose it.
And down again.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...people tell you not to milk a good speech.
Get off early, leave ‘em laughing.
Wise advice I’ll certainly try to bear in mind.
But for now...
...part two!
Part two is more action-based.
I’m going to walk around shake things up a bit.
Who’d go to a wedding? That’s the question.
Who would bother to go to any lengths...
...to get themselves to a wedding?
Well, everyone.
Weddings are great, love a wedding.
What’s he doing?
Something’s wrong.
And John’s great too.
Haven’t said that enough, barely scratched the surface. I could do on all night...
...about the depth and complexity of his jumpers... ...and he can cook.
Does, erm, a thing. A thing with peas—
Once. Might not be peas, might not be him.
But he’s got a great singing voice, or somebody does. Too many, too many, too many, too many!
Sorry, too many jokes about John.
Now—
Criminal intent.
Where was I? Ah, yes.
Extraordinary lengths.
Speech. Speech.
Let’s talk about—
All of which is suggestive of—

Murder! Sorry, did ii say murder?
I meant to say marriage.
But, you know, they’re quite similar procedures...
...when you think about it.
The participants tend to know each other...
...and it’s over when one of them’s dead.
In fairness, murder is a lot quicker though. Janine, what about this one?
Acceptably hot? More importantly, his girlfriend’s wearing new uncomfortable underwear... ...and hasn’t bothered to pick this thread off his jacket...
...or point out the grease smudge on his neck.
He’s going home alone. Also he’s a comics and sci-fi geek...
...they’re always tremendously grateful, really put the hours in.
Jeff, the gents.
Loos now, please.
Greg. The loos, please. Why?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s your Turn.
Yeah, actually, now you mention it.
Sherlock, any chance of a, an end date for this speech?
Got to cut the cake.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen...
...can’t stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once.
Vatican cameos.
What did he say? What does that mean?
Battle stations, someone’s going to die.
What?!
Narrow it down. Narrow it down.
Narrow it down!
Argh! No, no!
Not you!
Not you!
You. It’s always you.
John Watson, you keep me right.
What do I do?
You’ve already done it.
Don’t solve the murder.
Save the life.
Sorry, off piste a bit.
Back now. Phew!
Let’s play a game.
Let’s play murder.
Sherlock!
Imagine someone’s going to get murdered at a wedding.
Who exactly would you pick?
I think you’re a popular choice at the moment, dear.
If someone could move Mrs. Hudson’s glass just slightly out of reach...
...that would be lovely.
More importantly, who could you only kill at a wedding?
Most people you can kill any old place.
And a mental exercise...
...I’ve often planned the murder of friends and colleagues.
Now, John, I’d poison.
Sloppy eater, dead easy. I’ve given him chemicals and compounds...
...that way he’s never even noticed.
He missed a whole Wednesday once, didn’t have a clue.
Lestrade’s so easy to kill it’s a miracle no-one’s succumbed to the temptation.
I’ve got keys to my brother’s house, I could break in any asphyxiate him, if the whim arose. He’s pissed, isn’t he?

Ow!
So, once again...
...who could you only kill here?
Clearly it’s a rare opportunity...
...so it’s someone who doesn’t get out much.
Someone for whom a planned social encounter...
...known about months in advance is an exception.
Has to be unique opportunity.
And since killing someone in public is difficult...
...killing them in private isn’t an option.
Someone who lives in an inaccessible or unknown location, then.
Someone private perhaps...
...obsessed with personal security.
Possibly someone under threat.
Major James Sholto, who he?
I don’t think he’s coming.
He’ll be there.
Where are you living these days?
Oh, way out in the middle of nowhere.
The press and families gave him hell.
He gets more death threats than you.
A recluse?
Small household staff.
Job?
Gardener.
Cook.
Private nurse.
Maid.
High turnover for additional security.
I do security work.
Probably all signed confidentiality agreements.
Do you have a secret you’ve never told anyone?
[All] No.
There’s another question that remains. Rather a big one...
...a huge one, how would you do it? How do you kill someone in public?
There has to be a way. This has been planned.
Mr. Holmes!
Hello, Archie, what’s your theory?
Get this right and there’s a headless nun in it for you.
The invisible man could do it. The who, what, why, when, where?
Then invisible man with the invisible knife. The one who tried to kill the Guardsman. Baingridge?
Baingridge!
[Whispers] Oh, not just planned, planned and rehearsed.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...there will now be a short interlude.
The bride and groom....
The bride and groom.
Major Sholto’s going to be murdered, I don’t know how or by whom, but it’s going to happen. Excuse me, coming through. Consulting.
Stay here.
Please be careful.
Excuse me. Coming through.
Excuse me.
Sorry, one more. Oops. I’m so sorry.
Thank you.
How can you not remember which room? You remember everything.

I have to delete something! 207.
Major Sholto? Major Sholto! [Knock On Door]

Major Sholto!
If someone’s about to make an attempt on my life...
...it won’t be the first time. I’m ready.
Major, let us in.
Kick the door down.
I really wouldn’t.
I have a gun in my hand and a lifetime of unfortunate reflexes.
You’re not safe in there. Whoever’s after you, we know a locked room doesn’t stop him. The invisible man with the invisible knife.
I don’t know how he does it. I can’t stop him and that means he’ll do it again!
Solve it, then!
I’m, I’m sorry?
You’re the famous Mr. Holmes, solve the case, on you go.
Tell me how he did it and I’ll open the door.
Please, this is no time for games...
...just let us in, you’re in danger!
So are you, so long as you’re here.
Please, leave me.
Despite my reputation, I really don’t approve of collateral damage.
Solve it.
Sorry?
Solve it and he’ll open the door, like he said.
I couldn’t solve it before, how can I solve it now?
Because it matters now.
What are you talking about?, what are you talking about? Get your wife under control! She’s right.
Oh, you’ve changed!
No, she is.
Shut up!
You’re not a puzzle-solver, you never have been.
You’re a drama queen!
Now, there’s a man in there about to die, the game is on, solve it!
Bainbridge?
Bainbridge!
[Kisses]
Though in fairness, he’s a drama queen too.
Yeah, I know.
Major Sholto, no-one’s coming to kill you.
I’m afraid you’ve already been killed several hours ago.
What did you say?
Don’t take off your belt.
My belt?
His belt, yes.
Bainbridge was stabbed hours before we even saw him...
...but it was through his belt.
Tight belt, worn high on the waist.
Very easy to push a small blade through the fabric...
...and you wouldn’t even feel it.
The, the belt would bind the flesh together when it was tied tight.
Exactly. But when you took it off—
Delayed-action stabbing.
All the time in the world to create an alibi. Major Sholto?
So...

...I wish to be killed by my uniform.
How appropriate.
He solved the case, Major...
...you’re supposed to open the door now. A dead is a deal. I’m not even supposed to have this anymore...

...they gave me special dispensation to keep it.
I couldn’t imagine life out of this uniform.
I suppose, given the circumstances, I don’t have to. When so many want you dead...
...it hardly seems good manners to argue.
Whatever you’re doing in there, James, stop it, right now! I will kick this door down!
Mr. Holmes, you and I are similar, I think.
Yes, I think we are.
There’s a proper time to die, isn’t there?
Of course there is.
And one should embrace it when it comes.
Like a soldier.
Of course one should, but not at John’s wedding!
We wouldn’t do that, would we...
...you and me?
We would never do that to John Watson.
I’m going to break it down.
Wait, wait, wait, you won’t have to.
I believe I am in need of medical attention.
I believe I’m your doctor.
Pretty good.
Just hold your nerve on your turning.
Why do we have to rehearse?
Because we are about to dance together in public... ...and your skills are appalling.
Wow, you’re a good teacher.
Hmm.
And you’re a brilliant dancer.
Let you in on something, Janine?
Go on, then.
I love dancing, I’ve always loved it.
Seriously?
What out.
Oh!
[Clears Throat]
Never really comes up in crime work, but you know...
...I live in hope of the right case.
Oh, I wish you weren’t...
...whatever it is you are.
I know.
Well, glad to see you’ve pulled, Sherlock...
...what with murderers running riot at my wedding.
One murderer, one nearly murderer.
Loves to exaggerate, you should try living with him. Sherlock.
Got him for you.
Ah, the photographer, excellent. Thank you.
May I have a look at your camera?
Erm, what’s this about? I was halfway home.
You should have driven faster.
Ah, yes. Yes!

Very good.
Now you see, perfect.
What is? Are you tell us?
Try looking yourself.
Lo, look for what? Is the murderer in these photographs?
It’s not what’s in the photographs...
...it’s what’s not in them. Not in any of them.
Sherlock?
The showing-off thing, we’ve discussed it before.
There is always a man at a wedding who is not in any photograph... ...who can go anywhere.
And even carry an equipment bag around with him if he likes.
And you never even see his face.
You only ever see...
...the camera.
What are you doing? What is this?
Jonathan small, today’s substitute wedding photographer... ...known to us as the Mayfly Man.
His brother was one of the raw recruits killed in that incursion. Johnny sought revenge on Sholto...
...worked his way through Sholto’s staff...
...found what he needed.
An invitation to a wedding.
The onetime Sholto would have to be out in public.
So he made his plan and rehearsed the murder...
...making sure of every last detail.
Brilliant, ruthless...
...and almost certainly a monomaniac.
Thought, in fairness, his photographs are actually quite good. Everything you need is on that.
You probably ought to arrest him or something.
Do you always carry handcuffs?
Down, girl. Come on, quick.
It’s not me you should be arresting, Mr. Holmes.
Oh, I don’t do the arresting, I just farm that out.
Sholto, he’s the killer, not me.
I should have killed him quicker.
I shouldn’t have tried to be clever.
You should have driven faster.
Right.
[Cheers]
Ladies and gentlemen, just one last thing...
...before the evening begins properly.
Apologies for earlier, a crisis arose and was dealt with.
More importantly, however...
...today we say two people make vows.
I’ve never made a vow in my life...
...and after tonight I never will again.
So, here in front of you all...
...my first and last vow.
Mary and John...
...whatever it takes...
...whatever happens...
...from now on...
...I swear I will always be there.
Always.
For all three of you.

Erm, sorry, I mean, I mean two of you.
All two of you. Both of you, in fact. I just miscounted.
Anyway, it’s time for dancing.
Play the music again, please. Thank you.
Okay, everybody, just dance, don’t be shy.
Dancing, please. Very good.
Sorry that was one more deduction that I was really expecting.
Deduction?
Increased appetite....
I’m starving.
Change of taste perception.
Oh, I chose this wine, but it’s bloody awful!
You were sick this morning.
You assumed it was just wedding nerves.
You got angry with me when I mentioned it to you.
All the signs are there.
The signs?
The signs of three.
What?
Mary, I think you should do a pregnancy test.
Well, the statistics for the first trimester are—
Shut up!
Just shut up.
Sorry.
How did he notice before me?
I’m a bloody doctor.
It’s your day off.
It’s your day off!
Stop. Stop panicking.
I’m not panicking.
I’m pregnant, I’m panicking!
Don’t panic.
None of you panic.
Absolutely no reason to panic.
Oh, and you’d know, of course!
Yes, I would. You’re already the best parents in the world...
...look at all the practice you’ve had.
What practice?
Well, you’re hardly going to need me around now that you’ve got a real baby on the way. Are you all right?
Yeah.
Dance.
Hmm?
Both of you now, go, dance.
We can’t just stand here, people will wonder what we’re talking about.
Right.
Well, what about you?
Yeah, we can’t all three dance, there are limits.
Yes, there are. Ahem.
Come on, husband, let’s go.
This isn’t a waltz, is it?
No.
Don’t worry, I have been tutoring him.
He did, you know. Baker Street, behind closed curtains. Mrs. Hudson came in one time. I don’t know how those rumours started!
♬ Spinnin’ my head around and taking my body under

♬ Oh, what a night!
♬ Oh, what a night!
♬ Oh, I
♬ I got a funny feelin’ when she walked ♬ In the room

♬ Hey, I
♬ As I recall it ended much too soon
♬ Oh, what a night
♬ Why’d it take so long to see the light?
♬ Seemed so wrong but now it seems so right
♬ What a lady, what a night
♬ Oh, I felt a rush like a rolling ball of thunder
♬ Spinnin’ my head around and taking my body under ♬ Oh, what a night!
♬ Oh, what a night!

♬ Oh, what a night...♬

에피소드 3 - 마지막 서약 His Last Vow

Sherlock-S3-E3.pdf

Sherlock 303 – His Last Vow

Mr. Magnussen, please state your full name for the record. Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Mr. Magunussen...
...how would you describe your influence over the prime Minister? The British Prime Minister?

Any of the British Prime Ministers you have known.
I never had the slightest influence over any of them.
Why would I?
I notice you’ve had seven meeting at Downing Street this year.
Why?
Because I was invited.
Can you recall the subjects under discussion?
Not without being more indiscreet than I believe is appropriate.
Do you think it right that a newspaper proprietor...
...a private individual, and in fact a foreign national...
...should have such regular access to our Prime Minister?
[Beeps]
I don’t think it’s wrong that a private individual should...
...accept an invitation.
However, you have my sincere apologies for being foreign.
That’s not what I meant. That is not in any way—
Mr. Magnussen, can you recall an occasion...
...when your remarks could have influenced government policy?
Or the Prime Minister’s thinking in any way?
No.
Are you sure?
[Beeps]
I have an excellent memory.
Your car is waiting outside, see you tomorrow.
May I join you?
I don’t think it’s appropriate.
It isn’t. Mr. Magunssen, outside the inquiry, we can have no contact... ...no communication at all.
Please don’t do that.
In 1982, your husband corresponded with Helen Catherine Driscoll. That was before I knew him.
The letters were lively, loving...
...some would say explicit.
And currently in my possession.
Will you please move your hand?
‘I long, my darling, to know the touch of your, body.’
I know what was in the letters.
She was 15.
She looked older.
Oh, she looked delicious. We have photographs too.
The ones she sent him.
Yum-yum.
He was unaware her age.
He met her only once before the letters began.
When he discovered the truth, he stopped immediately.
Those are the facts.
Facts are for history books. I work in news.
Your hand is sweating.
Always, I’m afraid. I have a condition.
It’s disgusting.

Ah. I’m used to it.
The whole world is wet to my touch.
I will call someone, I will have you removed.
What is that?
Claire de la Lune?
A bit young for you, isn’t it?
You want to hit me now? Could you, still?
Little old lady now.
Perhaps you should settle for calling someone.
Well, go on.
No?
Because now there are consequences.
I have the letters and therefore I have you.
This is blackmail.
Of course it isn’t blackmail.
This is...
...ownership.
You do not own me.
Clair de la Lune.
It never tastes like it smells, does it?
Lady Smallwood’s bill is on me. See to it.
Yes, Mr. Magnussen.
Oh, God! Oh!
You all right, ma’am?
Fine, yes.
Magnussen!
No-one stands up to him.
No-one dares, no-one even tries.
There isn’t a man or woman in England capable of stopping... ...that disgusting creature—
Ma’am?
Turn the car around. We’re going back into town. Turn around. Where are we going, ma’am?
Baker Street.
“You’ve seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths?”
“Enough for a life time.”
“Want to see some more?”
“Oh, God, yes.”
[Knock On Door]
“The game is on.”
[Knock On Door]
I know it’s early. Really, I’m sorry.
[Sobbing]
Is that Kate?
Yeah, it’s Kate.
Invite her in?
Er, sorry, yes, do you want to come in, Kate?
[Sobbing]
Hey!
It’s hard.
There you go.
It’s Isaac.
Oh, your husband?
Son.
Son, yeah.
He’s gone missing again. Didn’t come home last night.
The usual.

He’s the drugs one, yeah?
[Sobbing]
Er, yeah, nicely put, John.
But is it Sherlock Holmes you want? Because I’ve not seen him in ages. About a month.

Who is Sherlock Holmes?
See, that does happen.
There’s a place they all go to, him and his friends.
They all do whatever they do.
Shoot up, whatever you call it.
Where is he?
It’s a house, it’s a dump. It’s practically falling down. No, the address? Where, exactly?
Seriously?
Why not?
She’s not going to the police, someone’s got to get him. Why you?
I’m being neighbourly.
Since when?
Ha, since now. Since this exact minute.
Why are you being so...?
What?
I don’t know, what’s the matter with you?
There is nothing the matter with me.
Imagine I said that without shouting.
I’m trying.
No, you can’t come, you’re pregnant.
You can’t go, I’m pregnant!
What is that?
It’s a tyre lever.
Why?
Cos there were loads of smackheads in there...
...and one of them might need help with a tyre.
If there’s any trouble, just go, I’ll be fine.
John, John, John, John...
...it is a tiny bit sexy.
Yeah, I know.
Hello?
What do you want?
Excuse me.
Oh, no, you can’t come in here!
I’m looking for a friend. Very specific, firend.
I’m not just browsing.
You’ve got to go. No-one’s allowed here.
[Clears Throat]
Isaac Whitney, you seen him?
I’m asking you if you’ve seen Isaac Whitney...
...and now you’re showing me a knife.
Is it a clue? Are you doing a mime?
Go. Or I’ll cut you.
Oh, not from there. Let me help.
Now, concentrate. Isaac, Whitney?
Okay, you asked for it.
Agh! Ohh!
Right. Are you concentrating yet?
You broke my arm!
No, I sprained it.

It feels squishy. Is it supposed to feel squishy? Feel that! Yeah, it’s a sprain.
I’m a doctor, I know how to sprain people. Now where is Isaac Whitney?

I don’t know! Maybe upstairs. There you go. Wasn’t that easy? No, it was really sore.
Mental, you are!

No, just used to a better class of criminal. [Sniffs]
Isaac? Isaac Whitney?
Isaac?

Hello, mate. Sit up for me, sit up. Dr. Watson?
Yep.
Where am I?

Arse-end of the universe with the scum of the earth. Look at me. Have you come for me?
Do you think I know a lot of people here?
Hey, all right?

Oh, hello, John. Didn’t expect to see you here. Come for me too?
Hello, Isaac.
Mrs. Watson, can I, can I get in, please?

Yes, of course, get in. where’s John? They’re having a fight.
Who is?!
For God sakes, John, I’m on a case! A month. That’s all it took.

One!
I’m working.
‘Sherlock Holmes in a drug den.’ How’s that going to look?
I’m undercover.
No, you’re not!
Well, I’m not now!
In, both of you, quickly!
Please, can I come? I think I’ve got a broken arm.
No, go away.
No, let him.
Why?
Yeah, just get in. it’s a sprain.
Anyone else? I mean, are we taking everybody home, are we?
All right, Shezza?
‘Shezza’?
I was undercover!
Seriously? Shezza, thoug?
We’re not going home, we’re going to Bart’s. I’m calling Molly.
Why?
Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar.
Well? Is he clean?
Clean?
How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with!
And how dare you betray the love of your friends!
Say you’re sorry.
Sorry your engagement’s over. Though I’m fairly grateful for the lack of a ring. Stop it. Just stop it!
If you were anywhere near this kind of thing again...

...you could have called, you could have talked to me.
Oh, please, do relax. This is all for a case.
What kind of case would need you doing this?
I might as well ask you why you’ve started cycling to work? No, we’re not playing this game.

Quite recently, I’d say, you’re very determined about it. Not interested.
I am. Ow!
Oh, sorry, you moved, but it is just a sprain.

Yeah, somebody hit me.
Huh?
Yeah, just some guy.
Yeah, it was probably just an addict in need of a fix. Yes, I think in a way it was.

Is it his shirt?
I’m sorry?
Well, it’s the creases, isn’t it?
The two creases down the front.
It’s been recently folded, but it’s not new.
You must have dressed in a hurry this morning.
So all your shirts must be kept like that.
But why?
Maybe cos you cycle to work every morning, shower...
...when you get there and then dress in the clothes you brought with you. You keep your shirts folded, ready to pack.
Not bad.
And I further deduce...
...you’ve only started recently because you’ve got a bit of chafing.
No, he’s always walked like that.
Remind ne, what’s your name again?
They call me the Wig.
No, they don’t.
Well, they, they call me Wiggy.
Nope.
Bill. Bill Wiggins.
Nice observational skills, Billy.
[Phone Beeps]
Finally what?
Good news?
Oh, excellent news, the best.
There’s every chance that my drug habit might hit the newspapers.
The game is on. Excuse me, for a second.
You’ve heard of Charles Augustus Masgunssen, of course?
Yeah. Owns some newspapers. Ones I don’t read.
Hang on weren’t there other people?
Mary’s taking the boys home, I’m taking you, we did discuss it.
People were talking, none of them were me, I must have filtered.
I noticed.
I have to filter out a lot of witless babble.
I’ve got Mrs. Hudson on Semi-permanent mute.
What is my brother doing here?
So I’ll just pay, then, shall I?
He’s straightened the knocker.
He always correct it, its OCD, doesn’t even know he’s doing it.
Why do you do that?
Do that?
Nothing.

Well, then Sherlock, back on the sauce?
What are you doing here?
I phoned him.
The siren call of old habits. How very like Uncle Rudy.
Though in many ways, cross-dressing would have been a wiser path for you. You phoned him.

Of course I bloody phoned him.
Of course he bloody did.
Now save me a little time, where should we be looking?
We?
Mr. Holmes?
For God’s sake!
Anderson?!
Sorry, Sherlock, it’s for your own good.
Oh, that’s him, isn’t it? You said he’d be taller.
Some members of your little fan club. Do be polite.
They’re entirely trustworthy and even willing to search...
...thorough the toxic waste dump that you are pleased to call a flat. You’re a celebrity these days, Sherlock.
You can’t afford a drug habit.
-I do not have a drug habit.
-Hey, what happened to my chair?
It was blocking my view to the kitchen.
Well, it’s good to be missed!
You were gone, I saw an opportunity.
No, you saw the kitchen.
What have you found so far? Clearly, nothing.
There’s nothing to find!
Your bedroom door is shut. You haven’t been home all night.
So, why would a man who has never knowingly closed a door without... ...the direct orders of his mother bother to do so on this occasion? Okay, stop, just stop! Point made.
Jesus, Sherlock!
I shall have to phone our parents, of course. In Oklahoma.
It won’t be the first time that your substance abuse...
...has wreaked havoc with their line dancing.
This is not what you think. This is for a case.
What case could possible justify this?
Magnussen.
Charles Augustus Magnussen.
That name you think you may have just heard, you were mistaken.
If you ever mention hearing that name in this room...
...in this context, I guarantee you, on behalf...
...o the British Security Services, that materials will be found on... ...your computer hard-drives, resulting in your immediate incarnation. Don’t reply, just look frightened and scuttle.
I hope I won’t have to threaten you as well.
Well, I think we’d both find that embarrassing.
[Chuckles]
Magnussen is not your business.
Oh, you mean he’s yours? You may consider him under my protection.
I consider you under his thumb.
If you go against Magnussen...
...then you will find yourself going against me.
Okay. I’ll let you know if I notice.
Um, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah.
Bye-bye.

Unwise, brother mine.
Ooh! Ugu!
Brother mine...
...don’t appal me when I’m high.
Mycroft, don’t say another word, just go. He could snap you in two and right now... ...I’m slightly worried that he might.

Don’t speak, just leave. Oh.
[Clears Throat]
Er, Magnussen?

What time is it?
About eight.
I’ll be meeting him in three hours. I need a bath.
It’s for a case, you say?
Yep.
What sort of case?
Too big and dangerous of any sane individual to get involved in.
You trying to put me off?
God, no.
Trying to recruit you.
And stay out of my bedroom.
Oh, john, hi. How are you?
Janine?
Sorry, not dressed. Has everybody gone?
I heard shouting.
Yes, they’re gone.
God, look at the time. I’ll be late.
It sounded like an argument. Was it Mike?
Mike?
Mike, yeah. His brother, Mike. They’re always fighting.
Mycroft.
Do people actually call him that?
Yeah.
Huh!
Oh, could you be a love and put some coffee on?
Sure, right, yeah.
Thanks. Oh, how is Mary? How’s married life?
She’s fine. We’re both fine. Yeah.
Oh, it’s over there now. Where’s Sherl?
[Whispers] Sherl!
Er, he’s just having a bath. I’m sure he’ll be out in a minute.
Oh, like he ever is!
Yeah.
[Knock On Door]
Morning. Room for a little one?
[Laughs]
Morning.
Ooh!
So, it’s just a guess, but you’ve probably got some questions?
Yeah, one or two. Pretty much.
Naturally.
You have a girlfriend? Yes, I have.
Now, Magnussen. Magnussen is like a shark.
It’s the only way I can describe him.
Have you ever been to the shark tank at the London Aquarium, John? Stood up close to the glass? Those floating, flat faces, those dead eyes. That’s what he is.

I’ve dealt with murderers, psychopaths...
...terrorists, serial killers.
None of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Yes, you have?
Sorry, what?
You have a girlfriend?
What? Yes, yes, I’m going out with Janine.
I thought that was fairly obvious.
Yes. Well, yes,
[Clears Throat]
But, I mean, you, you, you are in a relationship?
Yes, I am.
You and Janine?
Hmm. Yes, me and Janine.
Care to elaborate?
Well, we’re in a good place. It’s, um...
...very affirming. You got that from a book.
Everyone got that from a book.
Okay, you two bad boys. Behave yourselves.
You, Sherl, you’re going to have to tell me where you were last night.
Working.
Working?
Of course.
I’m the only one who really knows what you’re like, remember?
Well, don’t you go letting on.
I might just, actually.
I haven’t told Mary about this.
I kind of wanted to surprise her.
Yeah, I think you probably will.
But we should have you two over for dinner, really soon.
Yeah.
My place though, not the scuzz-dump.
Great, yeah.
Dinner, yeah.
I’d better dash. It was brilliant to see you.
You too.
Have a lovely day. Call me later.
I might do. I might call you.
Unless I meet someone prettier.
Solve me a crime, Sherlock Holmes.
You know Magnussen as a newspaper owner...
...but he is so much more than that.
He uses his power and wealth to gain information.
The more he acquires, the greater his wealth and power.
And I’m not exaggerating when I say that he knows the critical pressure point on every person... ...of note or influence in the whole of the Western World and probably beyond.
He is the Napoleon of blackmail.
And he has created an unassailable architecture of forbidden knowledge.
Its name...
...is Appledore.
Dinner?
Sorry, what dinner?
Me and Mary coming for dinner with...
...wine and...
...sitting.
Seriously? I have just told you that the western World is run...
...from this house and you want to talk about dinner?

Fine. Talk about the house.
It is the greatest repository of sensitive and dangerous... ...information anywhere in the world...
...the Alexandrian Library of secrets and scandals...
...and none of it is on a computer.
He’s smart. Computers and be hacked.
It’s all on hard copy, in vaults, underneath that house.
And as long as it is, the personal freedom of anyone...
...you’ve ever met is a fantasy.
Woo-hoo.
That was the doorbell. Couldn’t you hear it?
It’s in the fridge. It kept ringing.
Oh, that’s not fault, Sherlock!
Who is it?
Mr. Holmes said you can go right up.
Oh. Go ahead.
Sir?
Can I have a moment?
He’s fine.
Look, I, right. I should probably tell you—
Okay, I—
There.
Doesn’t mean I’m not pleased to see you.
I can vouch for this man. He is a doctor.
If you know who I am, then you know who he is.
Don’t you, Mr. Magnussen?
I understood we were meeting at your office.
This is my office.
Well, it is now.
Mr. Magnussen, I have been asked to intercede with you...
...by Lady Elizabeth Smallwood...
...on the matter of her husband’s letters.
Some time ago you put pressure on her concerning those letters. She would like those letters back.
Obviously, the letters on longer have any practical use to you... ...so with that in mind—
Something I said?
No, no. I, I was reading.
There’s rather a lot.
Redbeard?
Sorry. Sorry, you were probably talking.
I...
...I was trying to explain that I have been asked to act on behalf of— Bathroom?
Along from the kitchen, sir.
Okay.
I’ve been asked to negotiate the return of those letters.
I am aware you do not make copies of sensitive documents.
Is it like the rest of the flat?
Sir?
The bathroom?
Yes, sir.
Maybe not then.
Am I acceptable to you as an intermediary?
Lady Elizabeth Smallwood...
...I like her.
Mr. Magnussen, am I acceptable to you...

...as an intermediary?
She’s English with a spine.
Best thing about the English...
...you’re so domesticated.
All standing around, apologizing...
...keeping your little heads down.
You can do what you like here. No-one’s ever going to stop you.
A nation of herbivores.
I have interests all over the world but...
...everything tarts in England.
If it works here...
...I try it in a real country.
The United Kingdom...
...Petri dish to the Western World.
Tell Lady Elizabeth I might need those letters so...
...I’m keeping them.
Goodbye.
Anyway...
...they’re funny.
Jesus!
Did you notice the one extraordinary thing he did?
There was a moment that kind of stuck in the mind, yeah.
Exactly. When he showed us the letters.
Okay.
So, he’s brought the letters to London...
...so no matter what he says, he’s ready to make a deal.
Now, Magnussen only makes a deal once he’s established a person’s weaknesses...
...the pressure point, he calls it. So, clearly he believes...
...I’m a drug addict and no serious threat.
And of course, because he’s in town tonight, the letters will be in his safe in his London office... ...while he’s out to dinner with Marketing Group of GB from seven till ten.
How do you know his schedule?
Because I do. Right. I’ll see you tonight.
I’ve got some shopping to do.
What’s tonight?
I’ll text instructions.
Yeah, I’ll text you if I’m available.
You are, I checked.
Don’t bring a gun.
Why would I bring a gun?
Or a knife or a tyre lever. Probably best not to do any arm-spraining...
...but we’ll see how the night goes.
Are you just assuming I’m coming along?
Time you got out of the house, John.
You’ve put on 7pounds since you married and the cycling isn’t doing it.
It’s actually 4pounds.
Mary and I think seven. See you later.
And breaking news now.
John Garvie MP has been arrested today on charges of corruption.
This follows an investigation—
Magnussen’s office is on the top floor, just below his private flat.
There are 14 layers of security between us and him...
...two of which aren’t even legal in this country.
Want to know how we’re going to break in?
Is that what we’re doing?
Of course it’s what we’re doing.
Magnussen’s private lift.

Goes straight to his penthouse and office. Only he uses it... ...and only his keycard calls the lift.
If anyone else even tries, security is automatically informed. Standard keycard for the building.

Nicked it yesterday. Only gets us as far as the canteen. Here we go then. If I was to use this card on the lift now... ...what happens?
Well, the alarms would go off...

...and you’d be dragged away by security.
Exactly.
Get taken to a small room somewhere and your head kicked in.
Do we really need so much colour?
It passes the time.
But if I do this...
...if you press a keycard against your mobile phone for long enough... ...it corrupts the magnetic strip. The card stops working.
It’s a common problem. Never put your keycard with your phone. What happens if I use the card now?
It still doesn’t work.
But it doesn’t read as the wrong card now.
It registers as corrupted.
But if it’s corrupted, how do they know it’s not Magnussen?
Would they risk dragging him off?
Probably not.
So, what do they do? What do they have to do?
Check if it’s him or not.
There’s a camera at eye height to the right of the door.
A live picture of the card user is relayed directly...
...to Magnussen’s personal staff in his office...
...the only people trusted to make a positive ID.
At this hour, almost certainly his PA.
So, how does that help us?
Human error.
I’ve been shopping.
Here we go then.
You realize you don’t exactly look like Magnssen?
Which in this case is a considerable advantage.
Sherlock, you complete loon. What are you doing?!
Hang on, was that...?
Hi, Janine.
Go on, let me in.
I can’t, you know I can’t. Don’t be silly.
Don’t make me do it out here.
Not in front of everyone.
So what in front of everyone?
Hoo.
Ohh.
You see, as long as there’s people, there’s always a weak stop.
That was Janine.
Yes, of course it was. She’s Magnussen’s PA.
That’s the whole point.
Did you just get engaged to break into an office?
Yeah. Stroke of luck meeting her...
...at your wedding. You can take some of the credit. Jesus!
Sherlock, she loves you.
Yes. Like I said, human error.
What are you going to do? Well, not actually marry her, obviously.

There’s only so far you can go.
So, what will you tell her?
Well, I’ll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse...
...to break into her boss’s office. I imagine she’ll want to stop... ...seeing me at the point, but you’re the expert on women.
So, where did she go?
That’s a bit rude. I just proposed to her.
Sherlock.
Did she faint?
Do they really do that?!
It’s a blow to the head.
She’s breathing.
Janine?
Another is here.
Security.
Does he need help?
Ex-con. White supremacist by the tattoos, so who cares?
Stick with Janine.
Janine, focus on my voice. Can you hear me?
Hey, they must still be here.
So is Magnussen. His seat’s still warm.
He should be at dinner, but he’s still in the building.
Upstairs.
We should call the police. During our own burglary?
You’re really not a natural at this, are you?
No, wait. Sssh.
[Sniffs]
Perfume and not Janine’s.
Claire de la Lune. Why do I know it?
Mary wears it. No, not Mary. Somebody else.
Sherlock!
What would your husband think?
Your lovely husband, upright and honourable...
...so English. What would he say to you now?
No, no!
You’re doing this to protect him from the truth?
Well, is this the protection he would want?
Additionally, if you’re going to commit murder...
...you might consider changing your perfume, Lady Smallwood. Sorry. Who?
That’s, not Lady Smallwood, Mr. Holmes.
Is John with you?
He’s, um—
Is John here?
He’s downstairs.
So, what do you do now?
Kill us both?
Mary, whatever he’s got on you, let me help.
Oh, Sherlock, if you take one more step, I swear I will kill you.
No, Mrs. Watson...
...you won’t.
I’m sorry, Sherlock.
I truly am.
Mary?
It’s not like it is in the movies.
There’s not a great big spurt of blood and you go flying backwards. The impact isn’t spread over a wide area.

It’s tightly focused so there’s little or no energy transfer. You stay still and the bullet pushes through.
You’re almost certainly going to die, so we need to focus. I said, focus!

It’s all well and clever having a mind palace...
...but you’ve only three seconds of consciousness left to use it.
So, come on. What’s going to kill you?
Blood loss. Exactly. So, it’s all about one thing now...
...forwards or backwards?
We need to decide which way you’re going to fall.
One hole or two?
Sorry?
Is the bullet still inside you?
Or is there an exit wound? It’ll depend on the gun.
That one, I think.
Or that one.
Oh, for God’s sake, Sherlock. It doesn’t matter about the gun.
Don’t be stupid.
You always were so stupid.
Such a disappointment.
I’m not stupid.
You’re a very stupid little boy.
Mummy and Daddy are very cross...
...because it doesn’t matter about the gun.
Why not?
You saw the whole room when you entered it.
What was directly behind you when you were murdered?
I’ve not been murdered yet.
Balance of probability, little brother.
If the bullet had passed through you, what would you have heard? The mirror shattering.
You didn’t. Therefore...?
The bullet’s still inside me.
So we need to take him down backwards.
I agree. Sherlock, you need to fall on your back.
Right now the bullet is the cork in a bottle.
The bullet itself is blocking most of the blood flow.
But any pressure or impact on the entrance wound could dislodge it. Plus, on your back, gravity’s working for us.
Fall...
...now.
What the hell is that?! What’s happening?
You’re going into shock. It’s the next thing that’s going to kill you. What would I do?
Don’t go into shock, obviously.
Must be something in this ridiculous memory palace of yours... ...that can clam you down.
Find it.
The East Wind is coming, Sherlock.
It’s coming to get you.
Find it.
Hello, Redbeard. Here, boy.
Come on. Come to me.
It’s okay. It’s all right.
Come on. It’s me. It’s me.
Come on.
Good boy. Clever boy.

Good boy.
Hello, Redbeard. They’re putting me down too now.
It’s no fun, is it?
Redbeard.
That was shock. You’re going to feel the pain.
There’s a hole ripped through you.
Massive internal bleeding.
You have to control the pain.
Control. Control. Control.
You....
You never felt pain, did you?
Why did you never feel pain?
You always, feel it, Sherlock.
But you don’t have to fear it!
Pain...
...heartbreak...
...loss...
...death...
...it’s all good.
It’s all good.
Sherlock! Sherlock. Can you hear me?
What happened?
He got shot.
Jesus!
Sherlock.
Oh, my.
Who shot him?!
“Emergency. Which service do you require?”
♬ It’s raining
♬ It’s pouring
♬ Sherlock is boring
♬ I’m laughing
♬ I’m crying
♬ Sherlock is dying ♬
Sherlock!
We’re losing you. Sherlock!
Come on, Sherlock. Just die, why can’t you?
One little push...
...and off you pop.
You’re going to love being dead, Sherlock. No-one ever bothers you. Mrs. Hudson will cry...
...and Mummy and Daddy will cry...
...and the woman will cry and John will cry buckets and buckets.
It’s him that I worry about the most. That wife!
You’re letting him down, Sherlock.
John Watson is definitely in danger.
Oh, you’re not getting better, are you?
Was it something I said, huh?
Sherlock!!
Mary.
Hey.
He’s only bloody woken up.
He’s pulled through.
Really?
Yeah.
Seriously?

You...
...Mrs. Watson, you’re in big trouble.
Really? Why?
His first word when he woke up...
...’Mary.’
You don’t tell him.
Sherlock?
You don’t tell John.
Bad girl.
Bad, bad girl.
Look at me...
...and tell me you’re not going to tell him.
I’m buying a cottage.
I’ve made a lot of money out of you, mister.
Nothing hits the spot like revenge with profits.
You didn’t give those stories to Magnussen, did you?
God, no. One of his rivals. He was spitting.
Hmm.
Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-stabbing, heartless...
...manipulative bastard.
And you, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic...
...publicity-hungry, tabloid whore.
So, we’re good then?
Yeah, of course.
Where’s the cottage?
Sussex Downs.
Hm, nice.
It’s gorgeous.
There’s beehives, but I’m getting rid of those.
Oh, it hurts, does it?
Probably want to restart your morphine.
I might have fiddled with the taps.
How much more revenge are you going to need? Just the occasional top-up. Dream come true for you, this place.
They actually attach the drugs to you.
Not good for working.
You won’t be working for a while, Sherl.
You lied to me.
You lied and lied.
I exploited the fact of our connection.
When?
Hmm?
Just once would have been nice.
Oh.
I was waiting till we got married.
That was never going to happen.
Got to go.
I’m not supposed to keep you talking.
And also, I have an interview with The One Show...
...and I haven’t made it up yet.
Just one thing...
...you shouldn’t have lied to me.
I know what kind of man you are...
...we could have been friends.
I’ll give your love to John and Mary.
You don’t tell him.
You don’t tell John.

So...
...Mary Watson...
...who are you?
Mary Watson.
[Gunshot]
Don’t know how much sense you’ll get out of him.
He’s drugged up, so he’s pretty much babbling.
Oh, they won’t let you use that in there, you know?
No, I’m not going to use the phone. I just want to take a video.
Ha.
Oh, Jesus!
So, where would he go?
Oh, Christ knows!
Try finding Sherlock in London.
He’s got three known bolt-holes.
Parliament Hill, Camden Lock and Dagmar Court.
Five known bolt holes.
There’s the blind greenhouse in Kew Gardens...
...and the leaning tomb in Hampstead Cemetery.
Just the spare bedroom.
Well, my bedroom.
We agreed he needs the space.
Behind the clock face of Big Ben.
I think he was probably joking.
No, I don’t think so.
Leinster Gardens. It’s his number one bolt hole. Top, top secret.
He only knows about it cos he stalked him one night.
Followed!
Followed, yeah.
He knew who shot him.
The bullet wound was here, so he was facing whoever it was.
So, why not tell us? Because he’s tacking them down himself.
Or protecting them.
Protecting the shooter, why?
Well, protecting someone then. But why would he care?
He’s Sherlock. Who would he bother protecting?
Call me if you hear anything. Don’t hold out on me, John.
Call me, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, right.
Good night then.
Oh. Bye then.
John, need a cuppa?
Mrs. Hudson, why does Sherlock think that I’ll be moving back in here? Oh, yes, he’s put your chair back again, hasn’t he?
Ha.
That’s nice. It looks much better.
John, what’s wrong? Tell me. John?
That’s your phone, isn’t it?
It’s Sherlock, John. Sherlock.
John, you have to answer it!
Spare any change, love?
No.
Oh, come on, love.
Don’t be like all the rest.
Rule one of looking for Sherlock Holmes, he finds you.
You’re working for Sherlock now?
Keeps me off the streets, doesn’t it?

Well, no.
Where are you?
Can’t you see me?
Well, what am I looking for?
The lie, the lie of Leinster Gardens, hidden in plain sight.
Hardly anyone notices. People live here for years and never see it.
But if you are what I think you are, it will take you less than a minute.
The houses, Mary. Look at the houses.
How did you know I’d come here?
I knew you’d talk to the people no-one else would bother with.
Huh, I thought I was being clever.
You’re always clever, Mary, I was relying on that.
I panted the information for you to find.
Ohh!
30 seconds.
But what am I looking at?
No door knobs, no letterbox. Painted windows.
23 and 24 Leinster Gardens.
The empty houses.
They were demolished years ago to make way for the London Underground... ...a vent for the old steam trains.
Only the very front section of the house remains.
It’s just a façade.
Remind you of anyone, Mary?
A façade?
Sorry, I never could resist a touch of drama.
Do come in. it’s a little cramped.
Do you own this place?
Hmm, I won it in a card game with the Clarence House Cannibal.
Nearly cost me my kidneys, but fortunately I had a straight flush.
Quite a gambler, that woman.
What do you want, Sherlock?
Mary Morstan was stillborn in October 1972.
Her gravestone is in Chiswick cemetery, where five years ago...
...you acquired her name and date of birth, and thereafter her identity.
That’s why you don’t have friends from before that date.
Need to work on your half of the church, Mary. Looking a bit thin.
Oh, orphan’s lot. Friends, that’s all I have.
It’s an old enough technique, known to the kinds of people...
...who could recognize a skip code on sight...
“At first I thought it was just a Bible thing, spam, but it’s not.
It’s a skip code.”
...have extraordinarily retentive memories.
“How can you not remember which room? You remember everything!
I have to delete something!
207!
You were very slow.
How good a shot are you?
How badly do you want to find out?
If I die here, my body would be found in a building...
...with our face projected on the front of it.
Even Scotland Yard could get somewhere with that.
I want to know how good you are.
Go on, show me.
The doctor’s wife must be a little bit bored by now.
May I see?
Huh, it’s a dummy.

Well, I suppose that was a fairly obvious trick. And yet, over a distance of six feet...
...you failed to make a kill shot.
Enough to hospitalize me, not enough to kill me. That wasn’t a miss, that was surgery.

I’ll take the case?
What case?
Yours. Why didn’t you come to me in the first place?
Because John can’t ever know that I lied to him.
It would break him and I would lose him forever.
And Sherlock, I will never let that happen.
Please, understand...
...there is nothing in this world I would not do to stop that happening. Sorry.
Not that obvious a trick.
Now talk and sort it out and do it quickly.
♬Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Oh, dear God, it’s only two o’clock.
It’s been Christmas Day for at least a week now.
How can it only be two o’clock? I’m in agony.
Mikey, is this your laptop?
Upon which depends the security of the free world, yes...
...and you’ve got potatoes on it!
Well, you shouldn’t leave it lying around if it’s so important.
Why are we doing this? We never do this.
We are here because Sherlock is home from hospital...
...and we are all very happy.
Am I happy too? I haven’t checked.
Behave, Mike!
Mycroft is the name you gave me...
...if you could possibly struggle all the way to the end.
Mrs. Holmes.
Oh, thank you, dear. I’m not absolutely sure why you’re here.
I invited him.
I’m his protégé, Mrs. Holmes.
When he dies, I get all his stuff and his job.
No.
Oh, well, I help out a bit.
Closer.
If he does get murdered or something—
Probably stop talking now.
Okay.
Lovely when you bring your friends round.
Stop it, you. Somebody’s put a bullet in my boy.
If I ever find out who, I shall turn absolutely monstrous.
Ah, this was for Mary. I’ll be back in a minute.
Ah. Mary. There you are.
Cup of tea. If father starts making little humming noises...
...just give him a little poke. That usually does it.
Did you write this?
Oh, that silly old thing, you mustn’t read that.
Mathematics must seem terribly fatuous now.
No humming, you.
Complete flake, my wife, but happens to be a genius.
She was a mathematician?
Gave it all up for children. I could never bear to argue with her.
I’m something of a moron myself.

But she’s, unbelievable hot.
Oh my God, you’re the sane one, aren’t you?
Aren’t you?
Oh. Sorry, I just, er—
Oh, you two need a moment?
If you don’t mind?
No, course not. I’ll, I’ll go and see if I can help with...
...something or another.
Those two. They all right?
Well, you know, they’ve had their ups and downs.
Baker Street, now.
John, Mary...
...oh, Sherlock, oh, good gracious, you look terrible!
Get me some morphine from your kitchen, I’ve run out.
I don’t have any morphine.
Then what exactly is the point of you?!
What is going on?
Bloody good question.
The Watsons are about the have a domestic and fairly quickly I hope... ...because we’ve got work to do.
No, I have a better question...
...is everyone I have ever met a psychopath?
Yes.
Good that we’ve settled that. Now we—
Shut up!
And stay shut up, because this is not funny.
Not this time.
I didn’t say it was funny.
You.
What have I ever done? Hmm?
My whole life, to deserve you?
Everything.
Sherlock, I’ve told you, shut up.
No, I mean it, seriously, everything.
Everything you’ve ever done, is what you did.
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
You were a doctor who went to war.
You’re a man who couldn’t stay in the suburbs for more than a month... ...without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie.
Your best friend is a sociopath, who solves crimes...
...as an alternative to getting high. That’s me, by the way, hello.
Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
It was my husband’s cartel. I was just typing.
And exotic dancing.
Sherlock Holmes, if you’ve been YouTubing—
John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle.
You are abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people... ...so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you fall in love with... ...conforms to that pattern?
But she wasn’t supposed to be like that!
Why is she like that?
Because you chose her.
Why is everything always...
...my fault?!
Oh, neighbours!
John, listen. Be calm and answer me.
What is she?

My lying wife?
No, what is she?
And the woman who is carrying my child, who has lied to me since the day I met her. No. not in this flat, not in this room.
Right here, right now, what is she?
Okay.
Your way.
Always your way.
Sit.
Why?
Because that’s where they sit.
The people who come in here with their stories.
They’re the clients, that’s all you are now, Mary.
You’re a client.
This is where you sit and talk ant this is where we sit and listen.
Then we decide if we want you or not.
[Clears Throat]
So, are you okay?
Oh, are we doing conversation today? It really is Christmas!
Now?
Seriously, months of silence and we’re going to do this now?
A.G.R.A., what’s that?
Er, my initials.
Everything about who I was is on there.
If you love me, don’t read it in front of me.
Why?
Because you won’t love me when you’ve finished...
...and I don’t want to see that happen.
How much do you know already?
By your skill set, you are, or were, an intelligence agent.
Your accent is currently English, but I suspect you are not.
You’re on the run from something.
You’ve used your skills to disappear.
Magnussen knows your secret, which is why you were going to kill him.
And I assume you befriended Janine in order to get close to him.
Oh, you can talk!
Oh, look at you two, you should have got married.
The stuff Magnussen has on me...
...I would go to prison for the rest of my life.
So you were going to kill him?
People like Magnussen should be killed...
...that’s why there are people like me.
Perfect!
So that’s what you were, an assassin? How could I not see that?
You did see that.
And you married me.
Because he’s right.
It’s what you like.
So, Mary, any documents that Magnussen has...
...concerning yourself, you want extracted and returned.
Why would you help me?
Because you saved my life.
Sorry-sorry, what?
When I happened on you and Magnussen...
...you had a problem.
More specifically, you had a witness.
What do you do now?

Kill both of us?
The solution, of course, was simple. Kill us both and leave.
However, sentiment got the better of you.
One precisely calculated shot to incapacitate me...
...in the hope that it would buy you more time to negotiate my silence.
Of course, you couldn’t shoot Magnussen.
On the night both of us broke into the building...
...your own husband would become a suspect. So...
...you calculated that Magnussen would use the fact of your involvement... Rather than sharing the information with the police, as is his MO.
And then you left the way you came.
Have I missed anything?
How did she save your life?
She phoned the ambulance.
I phoned the ambulance.
She phoned first.
Emergency, which service do you require?
You didn’t find me for another five minutes.
Left to you, I would have died.
The average arrival time for a London ambulance is—
Did somebody call an ambulance?
Eight minutes.
Did you bring any morphine? I asked on the phone.

We were told there was a shooting.
There was, last week.
But I believe I’m bleeding internally...
...my pulse is very erratic, you may need to restart my heart on the way— Jesus, Sherlock. Come on, Sherlock.

Argh!
John, John, Magnussen is all that matters now.
You can trust Mary, she saved my life.
She shot you.
Mixed messages, I grant you that—
Argh!
Sherlock! Sherlock! Take him.
Got him? Yeah.
So, have you read it?
Would you come here a moment?
No, tell me, have you?
Just, come here.
No, I’m fine.
I’ve thought long and hard about what I want to say to you.
These are prepared words, Mary.
I’ve chosen these words with care.
Okay.
[Clears Throat]
The problems of your past are your business.
The problems of your future...
...are my privilege.
It’s all I have to say, it’s all I need to know.
No, I didn’t read it.
You don’t even know my name.
Is ‘Mary Watson’ good enough for you?
Yes. Oh my God, yes.
Then it’s good enough for me, too.
All this does not mean that I’m not still basically pissed off with you. Hmm, I know, I know.

I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then. I know, I know, I know.
You can mow the sobbing lawn from now on.
I do mow the lawn.

I do it loads.
You really don’t.
I choose that baby’s name.
Not a chance.
Okay.
I’m glad you’ve given up on the Magnussen business.
Are you?
I’m still curious, though. He’s hardly your usual kind of puzzle.
Why do you hate him?
Because he attacks people who are different...
...and preys on their secrets. Why don’t you?
He never causes too much damage to anyone important.
He’s far too intelligent for that.
He’s a businessman, that’s all. And occasionally useful to us.
A necessary evil, not a dragon for you to slay.
A dragon-slayer. Is that what you think of me?
No. It’s what you think of yourself.
Are you two smoking?!
No.
It was Mycroft.
I have, by the way, a job offer I should like you to decline.
I decline your kind offer.
I shall pass on your regrets.
What was it?
MI6. They want to place you back into Eastern Europe.
An undercover assignment that would prove fatal to you in...
...I think, about six months.
Then why don’t you want me to take it?
It’s tempting, but on balance, you have more utility closer to home.
Utility! How do I have utility?
Here be dragons.
[Coughs]
This isn’t agreeing with me.
I’m going in.
You need low tar. You still smoke like a beginner.
Also...
...your loss would break my heart.
[Coughs]
What the hell am I supposed to say to that?!
Merry Christmas?
You hate Christmas.
Yes. Perhaps there was something in the punch.
Clearly. Go and have some more.
So you realize that Sherlock got us out here to see his mum and dad for a reason? His lovely mum and dad, a fine example of married life, I get that.
That is the thing with Sherlock, it’s always the unexpected.
Oi. Oi? Mary?
Jesus Christ! Mary? Sit down.
Mary, can you hear me?
Don’t drink Mary’s tea.
Or the punch.
Sherlock...
...did you just drug my pregnant wife?!

Don’t worry, Wiggins is an excellent chemist.
I calculated your wife’s dose myself. Won’t affect the little one.
I’ll keep an eye on her.
He’ll monitor their recovery. It’s more or less his day job.
What the hell have you done?!
A deal with the devil.
Shouldn’t you be in hospital?
I am in hospital. This is the canteen.
Is it?
In my opinion, yes. Have a seat.
Thank you.
I’ve been thinking about you.
I’ve been thinking about you.
Really?
I want to see Appledore.
Where you keep all the secrets, all the files...
...everything you’ve got on everyone.
I want you to invite me.
What makes you think I’d be so careless?
Oh, I think you’re a lot more careless than you let on.
Am I?
It’s the dead-eyed stare that gives it away.
Except it’s not dead’-eyed, is it?
You’re reading.
Portable Appledore. How does it work?
Built-in flash drive? 4G wireless?
They’re just ordinary spectacles.
Yes, they are.
You underestimate me, Mr. Holmes.
Impress me, then. Show me Appledore.
Everything is available for a price.
Are you making me an offer?
A Christmas present.
And what are you giving me for Christmas, Mr. Holmes?
My brother.
Oh, Jesus!
Sherlock, please tell me you haven’t just gone out for your mind.
I’d rather keep you guessing.
Ah, there’s our lift.
Coming?
Where?
Want your wife to be safe?
Of course I do.
Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous.
One false move and we’ll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be in prison... ...or high treason. Magnussen is the most dangerous man we’ve ever encountered...
...and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us.
But it’s Christmas!
I feel the same.
Oh, you mean it’s actually Christmas. Did you bring your gun, as I suggested?
Why would I bring my gun to your parent’s house for Christmas dinner?!
Is it in your coat?
Yes.
Off we go, then.
Where are we going?
Appledore.
I would offer you a drink, but it’s very rare and expensive.

Oh, it was you.
Yes, of course.
Very hard to find a pressure point on you, Mr. Holmes.
The drugs thing I never believed for a moment.
Anyway, you wouldn’t care if it was exposed, would you?
But look how you care about John Watson.
Your damsel is distress.
You put me in a fire, for leverage?!
Oh, I would never let you burn, Dr. Watson.
I had people standing by. I’m not a murderer.
Unlike your wife.
Let me explain how leverage works, Dr. Watson.
For those who understand these things...
...Mycroft Holmes is the most powerful man in the country.
Well, apart from me.
Mycroft’s pressure point is his junkie detective brother, Sherlock. Sherlock’s pressure point is his best friend, John Watson.
John Watson’s pressure point is his wife.
I own John Watson’s wife, I own Mycroft.
He’s what I’m getting for Christmas.
It’s an exchange, not a gift.
Forgive me, but...
...I already seem to have it.
It’s password protected.
In return for the password, you will give me any material...
...in your possession pertaining to the woman I know as Mary Watson. Oh, she’s bad, that one. So many dead people.
You should see what I’ve seen.
I don’t need to see it.
You might enjoy it, though. I enjoy it.
Then why don’t you show us?
Show you Appledore? The secret vaults.
Is that what you want?
I want everything you’ve got on Mary.
You know, I honestly expected something good.
Oh, I think you’ll find the contents of that laptop—
Include a GPS locator.
By now your brother will have noticed the theft...
...and the security services will be converging on this house.
Having arrived, they’ll find top-secret information in my hands...
...and they have every justification to search my vaults.
They will discover further information of this kind...
...and I will be imprisoned.
You would be exonerated and resorted to your smelly little apartment... ...to solve crimes with Mr. and Mrs. Psychopath.
Mycroft has been looking for this opportunity for a long time.
He’ll be a very, very proud big brother.
The fact that you know it’s going to happen isn’t going to stop it.
Then why am I smiling? Ask me.
Why are you smiling?
Because Sherlock Holmes has made one enormous mistake... ...which will destroy the lives of everyone he loves.
And everything he holds dear.
Let me show you the Appledore vaults.
The entrance to my vaults.
This is where I keep you all.
Okay, so where are the vaults, then?

Vaults? What vaults? There are no vaults beneath this building. They’re all in here.
The Appledore vaults are my mind palace.
You know about mind palaces, don’t you, Sherlock?

How to store information so you never forget it, by picturing it. I just sit here, I close my eyes and down I go to my vaults.
I can go anywhere inside my vaults.
My memories.

I’ll look at the files on Mrs. Watson. Hmm.
Oh, this is one of my favourites. Oh, it’s so exciting.

All those wet jobs for the CIA.
Ooh, she’s gone a bit freelance now, bad girl.
[Chuckles]
Oh, she’s so wicked.
I can really see why you like her.
You see?
[Clears Throat]
So there are no documents, you don’t actually have anything here? Oh, sometimes I send out for something...
...if I really need it, but mostly I just remember it all.
I don’t understand.
You should have that on a T-shirt.
You just remember it all?
It’s all about knowledge, everything is. Knowing is owning.
But if you just know it, then you don’t have proof.
Proof? What would I need proof for?
I’m in news, you moron.
I don’t have to prove it, I just have to print it.
Speaking of news...
...you’ll both be heavily featured tomorrow.
Trying to sell state secrets to me.
Tut tut.
Let’s go outside. They’ll be here shortly.
Can’t wait to see you arrested.
Sherlock, do we have a plan?
Sherlock?
They’re taking their time, aren’t they?
I still don’t understand.
And there’s the back of the T-shirt.
You just know things, how does that work?
I just love your little soldier face. I’d like to punch it.
Bring it over here a minute.
Come on. For Mary. Bring me your face.
Lean forward a bit and stick your face out.
Please.
Now, can I flick it?
Look at me. Can I flick your face?
I just love doing this. I could do it all day.
Well, it works like this, John.
I know who Mary hurt and killed.
I know where to find people who hate her.
I know where they live, I know their phone numbers.
All in my mind palace, all of it.
I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down... ...and I will...

...unless you let me flick your face. This is what I do to people.
This is what I do to whole countries. Just because I know.

Can I do your eye now?
See if you can keep it open, hmm?
Come on, for Mary. Keep it open.
Sherlock?
Let him. I’m sorry, just, let him.
Hmm? Come on, eye open.
[Laughs]
It’s difficult, isn’t it?
Janine managed to once. She makes the funniest noises. Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man. Here we go, Mr. Holmes.
To clarify, Appledore’s vaults only exist in your mind... ...nowhere else, just there?
They’re not real, they never have been.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, step away!
It’s fine, they’re harmless.
Target is not armed, I repeat target is not armed.

Sherlock What do we do?
Nothing. There is nothing to be done.
Oh, I’m not a villain, I have no evil plan.
I’m a businessman, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them. Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man. Do it now! Oh, do your research.
I’m not a hero, I’m a high-functioning sociopath.
Merry Christmas!
Man down, man down.
Get away from me, John! Stay well back!
Christ, Sherlock!
Don’t fire! Do not fire on Sherlock Holmes!
Do not fire!
Oh Christ, Sherlock!
Give my love to Mary. Tell her she’s safe now.
Oh, Sherlock.
What have you done?
As my colleague is fond of remarking...
...this country sometimes needs a blunt instrument.
Equally, it sometimes needs a dagger...
...a scalpel wielded with precision and without remorse.
There will always come a time when we need Sherlock Holmes.
If this is some expression of familial sentiment—
Don’t be absurd.
I am not given to outbursts of brotherly compassion.
You know what happened to the other one.
In any event, there is no prison in which we could incarcerate Sherlock... ...without causing a riot on a daily basis.
The alternative, however, would require your approval.
Hardly merciful, Mr. Holmes.
Regrettably, Lady Smallwood, my brother is murderer.
You will look after him for me, won’t you?
Hmm.
Don’t worry. I’ll keep him in trouble.
That’s my girl.

Since this is likely to be the last conversation I’ll have with John Watson... ...would you mind if we took a moment?
So here we are.
[Clears Throat]

William Sherlock Scott Holmes.
Sorry?
That’s the whole of it. If you’re looking for baby names.
[Chuckles]
No, we’ve had a scan, we’re pretty sure it’s a girl.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah.
You know, actually, I can’t think of a single thing to say.
No, neither can I.
The game is over.
The game is never over, John.
But there may be some new players now.
That’s okay, the East Wind takes us all in the end.
What’s that?
It’s a story my brother told me when we were kids.
The East Wind is a terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path.
It seeks out the unworthy and plucks them from the earth.
That was generally me.
Nice.
He’s a rubish big brother.
[Clears Throat]
So what about you then? Where are you actually going now?
Oh, some undercover work in Eastern Europe.
For how long?
Six months, my brother estimates. He’s never wrong.
And then what?
Who knows?
John, there’s something I should say, I’ve meant to say always...
...and I never have.
Since it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.
Sherlock is actually a girl’s name.
[Chuckles]
It’s not.
It was worth a try.
We’re not naming our daughter after you.
Oh, I think it could work.
To the very best of times, John.
Smith brings it inside. This looks good.
Cassandra comes in for a shot. Ooh, he missed it!
Oi, there’s something wrong with the telly. There’s something wrong with the telly, mate. Who’s that?
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?
How is this possible?
We don’t know, but it’s on every screen in the country.
Every screen simultaneously.
Has the Prime Minister been told?
And Mycroft?
But that’s not possible. That is simply not possible.
What’s happened?

Sir? It’s your brother.
Mycroft?
Hello, little brother. How’s the exile going?
I’ve only been gone four minutes.
Well, I certainly hope you’ve learnt your lesson.
As it turns out, you’re needed.
Oh, for God’s sake. Make up your mind!
Who needs me this time?
Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? England.
But he’s dead. I mean, you told me he was dead, Moriarty?
Absolutely. Blew his own brains out.
So how can he be back?
Well if he is, he’d better wrap up warm.
There’s an East Wind coming.

Miss me?